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Singles Get Tips
For Lasting Love
1
RUTH LITTMANN STAFF WRITER
C
arol doesn't want to use
her real name. Doing so
would be too humiliating,
she says.
Carol, in her 40s, teaches in
Detroit. For fun, she often at-
tends Jewish single events only
to be approached by others who
ask: "You're such a pretty girl.
Why aren't you married?"
Disheartened, Carol says she
knows what's going through
their heads: "People think, 'If
she's got her act together, why
is she still single?' They think,
`Something must be wrong with
her.' "
Truth is, Carol says, she has
been engaged.
"But it didn't work out. I'm
glad," she says. "It wouldn't
have been forever."
On Dec. 8, Carol was one of
about 100 Jewish singles who
attended a forum called "Find-
ing Lasting Love In the '90s,"
sponsored by the Jewish Com-
munity Center Singles.
Leanie Gunsberg, director of
the group, said the event coin-
cided with the first night of
Chanukah to give unattached,
unmarried people a place to cel-
ebrate together.
"Never assume
anything in a love
relationship."
Rosanne Rosen
The crowd comprised singles
between the ages of 25 and 75.
They gathered at the Maple-
Drake JCC to hear author
Rosanne Rosen talk about the
essentials of lasting love during
a decade of fleeting romances
and high divorce rates.
Her message was multi-
faceted: "First, you must take
off those rose-colored glasses so
you're not blinded by a fairy-tale
love. Throw perfection out the
window. It doesn't exist and
you'll never find a perfect lover."
On the other hand, she said,
individuals should not settle for
unhealthy relationships.
"Never compromise, fearing
that love won't be around the
corner." She said too many peo-
ple lack enough confidence to
break away from bad attach-
ments.
Ms. Rosen has written The
Living Together Trap and Mar-
riage Secrets. In preparing
these books, she interviewed
many couples.
"In love relationships, you
altiedero••
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Bortz
Health Care
of Green Lake
must be your own best advo-
cate," she said.
Self-esteem is vital, but do
not fear mutual dependence. It
glues people together, she said.
She warned against casual
sex, saying it becomes too con-
fusing to differentiate between
love, lust and infatuation. Also
steer clear of the "living to-
gether trap." Ms. Rosen said 40
percent of unmarried couples
who move in together break up
within the first six months of
co-habitation. Couples who live
together prior to marriage are
more likely to get divorced, she
said.
For people in the singles
scene, Ms. Rosen recommend-
ed scouting out new meeting
places — the laundromat, or
the frozen food aisle at the gro-
cery store. In restaurants, don't
isolate yourself at a table, she
said. Eat at the counter, a more
sociable setting.
Advising women to be more
aggressive, Ms. Rosen encour-
aged them to ask men out on
dates. But men should pay, at
least initially.
"Ladies, men still want to
pay for that first date," she said.
Frank Ginis, 30, sat in the
audience and disagreed.
Though he concurred with
much of Ms. Rosen's message,
he feels payment is incumbent
on "whoever asks the other per-
son out."
Mr. Ginis' rule of thumb for
lasting love?
"As a rule, there are no
rules," he said. Each relation-
ship is different. But the qual-
ities he looks for in a girlfriend
are essentially the same as
those he appreciates in a friend:
openness, honesty.
"Someone with integrity," he
said. ❑
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