Editor's Notebook Community Views The Difficult Process Of Changing Relationships All The Rest Is Commentary JANICE STARKMAN GOLDFEIN SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS GARY ROSENBLATT EDITOR N ewton's third law, sim- ply stated: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Unfortunately, the simple principles of Newtonian me- chanics have little to say about the universe of human relationships. In that uni- verse, with apologies to Sir Isaac, the principle might be stated: "For every action de- signed to bring about change, there is a stronger, more pow- erful reaction designed to maintain the status quo, no matter how unsatisfying." It is the awareness of the difficulty of instituting change, as well as the prob- lem of not really knowing what to do to bring change about, which frequently cause partners in unhappy mar- riages to see their marriage in either of two ways: 1. "Most marriages have ups and downs. Mine just has more downs and I just have to accept them because it's better than leaving." Or, 2."I can't take him/ her any more. No matter what I'll en- counter out there, it has to be better than this." Although there are certain circumstances in which leav- ing may very well be the best choice, more often there are times when alternatives be- tween these two positions can be found. The path to these alternatives is uphill; but those who have climbed it in- variably agree that it was worth the effort. Further, the attitudes we adopt toward our marriage send significant messages to our children. The issue goes beyond the debate of whether children are better off raised with both parents. How we choose to deal with problems models whether we view our- selves as active or passive participants in our own expe- riences. The generations of parents before us modeled the value of commitment to relation- ship, sometimes at the ex- pense of personal happiness. With the greater awareness and insight into the patterns of relationship which have evolved over recent years, our generation has the opportu- nity to model ways of finding a balance between the needs of the individual and of the re- lationship. Sometimes it is difficult to be able to stand back and see what steps can be taken to begin to bring about changes. Many couples express corn- Janice Goldfein, M.S.W., is in private practice in Southfield. plaints openly to each other, believing that if they express their feelings, change will oc- cur naturally and sponta- neously. There is the unspoken and misguided be- lief that if the other person re- ally cared, he/she would take the complaints seriously — and change. Not changing is viewed as either a sign of not caring, or of the person's in- herent incapacity to be dif- ferent. What really keeps patterns from changing instantly is that behavior on the part of both husband and wife rein- forces existing patterns. The behavior of both partners is driven by a variety of factors: expectations and examples learned in the family of ori- gin, unconscious feelings, so- cial learning and personality traits. What one partner observes or complains about in the oth- er may well be accurate. A problem arises if complaints in the relationship are seen as the fault of the other per- son. There is often the feeling that if only the other person would change, everything would be wonderful. Viewing it this way represents a pas- sive approach, abdicating re- sponsibility. Self-help books have man- aged to teach the phrase: "You can never change an- other person. You can only change yourself." Each per- son has to understand the role he/she plays in main- taining the patterns of the re- lationship. For example, Ann's complaints that David is often preoccupied and emo- tionally unavailable may be accurate. Although it is his behavior which is painful to her, she has to become aware of how her pattern of criticism and nagging only reinforces his sense of alienation and contributes to an atmosphere in which he withdraws. Although what she would like from him (feeling close), may be fair, it cannot be achieved by demanding it. Ann will have to develop a way of responding to David's withdrawal, different from the manner in which she has typically responded. By her changes, a pattern of slowly evolving differences will de- velop, initiating the process of change. It is very difficult to accept the notion that responsibility for change rests within the in- dividual. It is most often met with resistance. Ann may ask, "Why do I have to change? He's the one with the prob- lem." Resentment and anger often get in the way. Surren- dering these feelings often seems impossible, as they ap- pear so justified. Letting them go may also feel as if the oth- er person has the upper hand and has not suffered a conse- quence for the behavior. The questioti then becomes whether it is more important to hold on to feelings and be right, or to work through feelings and be able to reach for change for the better. Actually beginning to change patterns generates anxiety in both parties, in- voking our "variation on a Theme by Newton." For ex- ample, Brenda and Allan typ- ically get into a major argument after Brenda legit- imately reacts negatively to something Allan has done. Al- lan usually retaliates by crit- icizing Brenda in return for RELATIONSHIPS page 6 Now that the Mideast talks have resumed in Washington, a dirty little se- cret can be told. A number of American Jews LA who are strong supporters of Israel and deeply devoted to its welfare would like noth- ing better than to see the peace talks collapse. Consider: Norman Pod- horetz, the editor of Com- mentary, makes the case, in an essay in the April issue of the influential monthly, that Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin is so eager to please the Clinton adminis- tration, or so anxious to make peace with the Arabs, or so naive — or all of the above — that he is giving away the store. The only reason such Arab leaders as Syria's Assad or the PLO's Arafat are sup- portive of the peace process, Mr. Podhoretz reasons, is that they are confident that the end result will be victory for them and defeat for Israel. "I cannot help suspecting that the enemies of Israel know something about these [Ra- bin government] policies that the friends of Israel are fail- ing to see. I will go further," he continues, "and assert flat out that if those policies are meeting with so much ap- proval in certain quarters, it must mean that they are not good for Israel." (Italics his.) Mr. Podhoretz feels so strongly about the dangers of the Jerusalem government that he reversed his longtime position not to criticize Is- rael's security policies. There's a certain logic to Mr. Podhoretz's argument. After all, are we to believe that such murderous enemies of Israel as Assad and Arafat have suddenly done teshu- vah, or repentance, and are now reconciled to the exis- tence of a Jewish state on what they believe to be Arab territory? And doesn't it appear that the Rabin government is only too happy to please the U.S.? While Yitzhak Shamir would give an inch only in the face of intense threats and pres- sure from the U.S., Mr. Ra- bin happily makes major concessions seemingly before he is even asked. Is this any way to negotiate with those who wish you dead? But if Mr. Podhoretz has long maintained that we in the Diaspora, whose lives are not on the line, do not have the right to reproach Jerusalem for its security policies, why change now? Wasn't Mr. Rabin elected by his countrymen through democratic means? Mr. Podhoretz acknowl- edges that his change of mind presents a problem. But he suggests that while in the past Israel was al- ready being attacked by "an abundance of critics," the situation is now re- versed: Israel's policies have become very popular. I support the peace process because most Israelis support it. He dismisses the possi- bility that they are popular because they are wise and sound, preferring to con- clude that Mr. Rabin has fooled himself and fallen into a deadly Arab trap, so eager to make peace that he is in effect sealing Is- rael's fate. The Arabs have not abandoned their goal of destroying Israel but the more moderate among them have decided to ac- complish this in stages, ac- cording to Mr. Podhoretz. He argues that these Arabs "have come to recognize that they can get at the bargaining table what they have been unable to win on the battlefield." What are we to make, then, of Yitzhak Rabin? Mr. Podhoretz's Rabin would seem to be a blindly ideal- istic young Israeli rube, not the military hero and vet- eran political pragmatist who, as defense minister, threatened to break Arab bones when the intifada be- gan, and who as prime minister has deported ter- rorists and sealed off the territories for more than a month. Don't misunderstand. I think there is reason to worry about the peace talks, and that Israel's se- curity may be compromised in its rush to end decades of hostilities with the Arabs. But to argue that the prime minister of Israel has suddenly gone soft, or lost his mind, and therefore it is now permissible to speak out from the Diaspora and publicly criticize Israel to COMMENTARY page 6