Leaving:
When Push
Comes To Shove

Leaving isn't easy, say so-
cial workers and survivors
of spousal abuse.
Abusive husbands often
isolate their wives and
leave them few resources
with which to make a get-
away. Some women face
poverty. They stay in abu-
sive marriages to assure
themselves and their chil-
dren a roof over their
heads.
When abusers do not
get better on their own or
with therapy, victims may
need to plot a safe escape.
Here are some guidelines:
• Have a plan. Decide
when and how you will
leave and where you will
go, (See below: emergency
phone numbers.)
• Rent anonymous safe-
ty deposit and post office
boxes.
• Stash money and le-
gal documents in the safe-
ty deposit box.
• Make copies of your
bank account numbers,
medical records, social se-
curity cards and children's
birth certificates and oth-
er legal documents. Keep
them in a secret place.
• Make copies of house
and car keys. Keep them
in a hidden, but accessible
place.
• Work out a "signal of
distress" with your neigh-
bor. A drawn curtain or
bright light can alert
someone you trust to seek
help.
The HAVEN helps
women prepare for leav
ing abusive relationships.

For Help

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Jewish Family Ser-
vice: 559-1500
HAVEN, 24-hour cri-
sis line: 334-1274
HAVEN, business
line: 334-1284
Alternatives to Do-
mestic Aggression: 1-
313-484-1260
SAFE House (Ann Ar-
bor), shelter crisis line:
1-313-995-5444
SAFE House (Ann Ar-
bor), business line:
1-313-973-0242
Domestic Abuse Vio-
lence Institute of Mich-
igan: 1-313-769-6334
National Council of
Jewish Women: 258-
6000
Local Emergency:
911

say, because the problem
doesn't exist.
Consider the following sto-
ry: A Jewish man — a wife
beater — begrudgingly ac-
companies his spouse to a
rabbi's office to complete the
final steps of a formal Jew-
ish divorce.
The husband doesn't want
the marriage to end. The wife
does.
In the rabbi's office, the
husband becomes violent. He
demands that his wife repeal
her wish. He yells at the rab-
bi to stop the proceedings.
Then he brandishes a gun.
According to Rabbi
Chaskel Grubner, director of
the Council of Orthodox Rab-
bis of Greater Detroit, this
incident really occurred lo-
cally during the 1970s. The
late Rabbi Leizer Levin, then
Council president, was pre-
siding over the divorce and
convinced the man to put
down his weapon.
Rabbis acknowledge that
domestic violence exists in all
denominations, though the
Torah forbids it.
"No one has a right to ever
raise a hand against a
spouse," Rabbi Grubner said.
Social workers say victims
often do not seek help from
their rabbis because they feel
intense humiliation. They'd
rather confide in strangers
— or keep the abuse secret
— than admit it to another
Jew. Social workers also
point out that cultural and
religious stereotypes make
broaching the topic taboo.
"Look at how long it took
to acknowledge alcoholism
and homosexuality — espe-
cially within the Jewish corn-
munity," said Sandra Jaffa,
program director for Win-
dows. "We're known as the

Chosen People.' I think a lot
of people buy into that de-
scription. That's fine. But I
think many Jews extrapolate
it to their whole life. They
feel they have to be perfect."
Says Hedy Nuriel: "As
Jews, we think we stress the
closeness of our families —
that we are somewhat dif-
ferent."
Rachel graduated. from
Southfield-Lathrup High
School in the late 1970s. She
says her non-Jewish girl-
friends there always spoke
highly of Jewish boys. Their
mothers told them to marry
Jewish men because they
didn't get drunk; they didn't
cheat, and they respected
their wives.
When Rachel began dating
a successful Conservative
Jew she found an exception.
Her boyfriend treated her
royally — most of the time.
Every so often, he would
shout at her, call her names.
She figured it was moodi-
ness. He also drank too much
and did drugs. After they
married, she thought every-
thing would be better.
It only got worse.
Her husband yelled if the
baby cried, if Rachel did not
clean the kitchen quickly
enough or if dinner tasted too
similar to food served the
night before. He hurled in-

sults at her.
"I was a 'whore' every day
of my life," she says._
Their marriage deterio-
rated quickly. Rachel's hus-
band began punching her,
pushing her. He blackened
her eyes and bruised her
back. But she wasn't ready
to give up on the marriage.
Social workers say denial is
common among victims of do-
mestic assault.
"I was going to love him
the way he needed to be
loved," Rachel says. "I
thought if I loved him right,
he wouldn't do this to me."
One day, Rachel's husband
"pounded" on her even hard-
er than usual and, finally,
she knew she had to leave.
She wouldn't go without
her children, however. So, af-
ter the beating, she made
peace with her husband and
slept at home that night. And
when her husband left for
work the next morning,
Rachel fled.
She says she went through
with it for her children more
than for herself. Rachel,
whose father was verbally
abusive to her mother, knows
from firsthand experience
that an abusive parent can
severely impact a child's de-
velopment. Statistics show
that between 40 and 70 per-
cent of the men who physi-

cally abuse their partners
also hit their children. Stud-
ies reveal that boys who grow
up in abusive homes are
more likely to abuse their
wives.
"If the mother isn't going
to be strong enough to leave

for her own good, then she
has to be strong enough
for her children," Rachel
stresses.
Rachel went to the
HAVEN where she attended
group therapy sessions and
met other abused women
with stories that sounded
frighteningly familiar. It
shocked her into seeing the
reality of her situation.
"Group therapy is essen-
tial," Rachel says. 'The group
gives me the opportunity to
see myself in other people's
lives. I can say very easily

