Ili THE JEWISH NEWS

March 26, 1993

A Toast
To Jewish Living

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000.0tb The Afikomen: Symbol Of Delayed Gratification

By RABBI JULIAN L COOK

Passover is a wonderful Jewish
holiday, rich in symbolism, filled with
layers of meaning. Take the
Afikomen for instance. What is it
trying to teach? Aside from being a
source of fun for children, aside
from being the seder's official
desert, aside from the role matzah
plays in reminding us of slavery, the
Afikomen has relevance to our lives
today.
Early in the seder, the middle
matzah is broken and half is hidden
away in safe-keeping until the end
of the meal. We need to make sure
something is not eaten so we can
taste it again at the end of our
seder. This procedure makes
concrete an important Jewish
concept: it teaches us the value of
delayed gratification.
We live in a society increasingly
motivated by instant rewards. We
are constantly bombarded by
seductive messages telling us to
grab our pleasures while we can. It
is a regressive spiral. Babies
naturally demand instant
gratification for all their needs and
wants. Their existence is dominated
by physical sensations. But as the
child grows, it learns to control its
passions, to put off immediate
pleasure for the sake of later, larger
rewards. That's what working hard,
sacrificing and saving are all about.
Most adults learn that ultimate
satisfaction is best reserved for a
future time, not wasted away in
dribs and drabs. We learn the value
of self-discipline. But now we're in
the process of forgetting it.
In this age of affluence, what do
we really deny ourselves? What
control do we exert over our lives?
In truth, we are slaves to social
conventions, to fads, fashion, and
every advertising gimmick in the
book. We deny ourselves very little.
Our society is particularly driven by
the need to have. We are less and
less willing to defer our desires. The

more we feed our appetites, the
more we must have to satisfy our
cravings and the more immediate is
our desire for gratification. In the
end we become insatiable.
These tendencies are most
apparent in our teen-agers and their
need to keep up with their peers.
They must have the right sneakers,
the right jeans, shirts, jewelry.

Find &6
Afikomen

Having the right brand may mean
the difference between being part of
the in-group or not. But there is
such a thing as having too much. I
find no benefit in indulging every
desire. It only denies children their
innocence and they experience
wonder, and it often leads to a
sense of entitlement. Just because
we can afford it doesn't mean we
should indulge their cravings.
The remifications multiply as they
get older. Today many young
couples start their marriages in
luxury apartments, on high incomes
with no experience of deprivation or
sacrifice. They don't have to eat
tuna fish or peanut butter
sandwiches like earlier generations
did. I fear they develop false
illusions that everything in life
comes easily. They miss the hard
lessons on the value of work and
saving and appreciating the small
things. It's sad to see young people
jaded at increasingly earlier ages.
The irony is that as parents give
their children more, they seem to
demand less of them. In such times,

it is imperative for parents to set
standards. It is just as true when
children are very young as when
they are teen-agers. Parents can't
abdicate their responsibility just
because the kids are older, or
because other parents are wishy-
washy. Parents are empowered to
say "no." A family is not a
democracy, especially before the
kids are in high school. All children,
even teen-agers, need limits and
subconsciously they want structure
in their lives. It is up to parents to
provide it.
But sadly, too many parents
today are more concerned about

being liked by their children than
maintaining clear standards of
behavior. Sometimes they seem
scared of their own kids! The truth
is, parenting requires some
unpleasantness, indeed even
toughness. There must be
consequences to every breach of
the rules. In my experience, if the
limits are fair, and the parents
consistent in applying
consequences, children will, in the
long run, respect those rules. Of
course, the lines will be drawn
differently in each family, but what
makes sense, once it is agreed

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