amity Abuse

A Jewish audience learns this week that domination
through words is part of, the pattern of abuse.

ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM ASSISTANT EDITOR

THE DETROIT J EWIS H NEWS

• 1.7,9'.73.

14

he trouble began at
Shabbat lunch.
A prominent Detroit
physician and his wife
had friends over for the
meal. As everyone sat
down, the physician
began opening a bottle of
wine. The cork wouldn't
come out.
"Why don't you try
another corkscrew?" his
wife suggested.
The physician was
furious. He turned to his
wife and said, "Thank
you, Mommy."
After the wine was
poured, the physician's
son spilled a few drops.
The tablecloth was
stained. Again, the host
could barely contain
himself. "That's why I
never like to sit beside
you," he told the boy.

"You're always spilling. I
just can't trust you."
Among the guests that
afternoon was Janice
Goldfein, a Southfield
social worker. And she
was aghast at what she
was seeing. No one was
being beaten. No one was
bruised. But it was a
clear case of abuse.
She defines abuse as
"any behavior where peo-
ple are trying to gain
control of the other."
Ms. Goldfein, together
with Birmingham psy-
chologist Debby Green-
ing, spoke on domestic
violence this week for
the program "It's In Our
House, Too! Abuse in the
Jewish Family." Held at
Temple Beth El, the
event was cosponsored
by the Beth El

Sisterhood and B'nai
B'rith Women.
Ms. Goldfein said
physical abuse occurs in
between 10 and 30 per-
cent of Jewish families,
and that Jewish wives
are more likely to stay in
abusive marriages than
gentiles. A likely reason
is that Jews believe in
the concept of shalom
bayit, peace in the home.
Yet Judaism forbids
one to shame or ridicule
another, Ms. Goldfein
said. In fact, Jewish men
are directed to treat
their wives better than
they treat themselves.
A reason women are
hesitant to make an
issue of abuse is that
they are raised to be
"emotional caretakers,"
she said. Young girls are
told to ignore mean com-
ments or teasing, teach-
ing them that the feel-
ings of the other person
— even if he is making
hostile remarks — are
more important.
The result is that
women learn to keep,
quiet, to keep their emo-
tions muffled, Ms.
Goldfein said. "We do
that until we reach the
point of explosion."
Ms. Goldfein also dis-
cussed sibling and child
abuse. The latter, she
said, doesn't just include
those who strike their
sons and daughters.
Abuse also means talk-
ing about a child as
though he's not there —
the woman who says of
her son, standing beside
her, "He's so weird. I
don't know what's the
matter with him." And it
can be the woman who,
frustrated when her
daughter refuses to take
a "time out," locks her in

her room.
The mother "thinks
she's setting limits," Ms.
Goldfein said. Instead,
she should be asking
herself, "Why am I inef-
fectively communicating
with this person who is
only a few years old?"
Ms. Greening, who
worked for two years at
the Pontiac shelter, The
Haven, was herself
involved in domestic vio-
lence during her mar-'
riage 20 years ago. She
recalled being choked to
the point of losing con-
sciousness; another time,
she and her husband
struggled over a gun.
A key in beginning to
address the problem of
abuse lies in awareness,
she said. This can be dif-
ficult because many fam-
ilies prefer to ignore the

Women are raised
to be "emotional
caretakers."

issue. Exhausted, irrita-
ble parents often insist,
"I'm not in a bad mood!
Now get out of here!"
only to leave their curi-
ous son bewildered. The
child had been so certain
his mother was in a bad
mood. But she said she
wasn't. His understand-
ing will now be: "My per-
ceptions are wrong."
Abuse "centers on
power and control," Ms.
Greening said. Often,
this includes the use of
attack phrases such as
"you never" and "you
always."
One way to help stop
verbal abuse is to aban-
don the "you" comments.
Instead, Ms. Greening
said, the husband (or

