Heavenly
News

Los Angeles — A survey of
Christian, Jewish and
Moslem theologians in the
United States has found that
96 percent say God is neither
male nor female, black or
white.
Asa result, 97 percent of
Americans have concluded
that Michael Jackson is God.
Meanwhile, New York
Mayor David Dinkins has
named the entertainer as a
special envoy to racially
troubled Crown Heights,
where it is hoped he will be
able to mediate a peace
between the area's black and
Lubavitch communities.
Mr. Dinkins said Mr.
Jackson was ideally suited
because the Lubavitch will
look favorably upon him
because of his penchant for
black hats and side curls,
while blacks will accept him
because he once shared their
racial characteristics.
"Many people worship
Michael like he was the
Messiah," Mr. Dinkins said.
"That should also go over big
in Crown Heights."

40

The Gloved One: Headed for Crown Heights.

Tyson: It beats making license plates.

Heavy Wait Bout

Former Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak ("The Shmear")
Shamir has come out of retirement and signed on to fight former
heavyweight champion Mike ("The Gentleman") Tyson in a 10-
round bout. Promoter Don ("The Hair Weave") King announced
that although Shamir is 50 years older and 100 pounds lighter
than Tyson, he has spent a lifetime outlasting and
outmaneuvering bigger and
tougher opponents and is the
odds-on favorite.

Honey,
I Date
The Kids

Woody Allen's latest film,
based on his recent past,
will be called
"Take Her, She's Nine."

Woody: Is his girlfriend pregnant
,,,F ... with his next girlfriend?