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Beginning College: Separation and Opportunity

By LYNDA S. GILES, PH.D

College is the first experience in
independent living for many students.
Aside from the weeks spent at sum-
mer camp, it is the first separation
from home and family. This move
represents an important time of tran-
sition in a family's life. The psycho-
logical issues involved in separation
are often acknowledged by families
during the college application phase
but not felt until the acceptance
arrives.
Initially, families are focused upon
grades, scholastic aptitude test

scores, extracurricular activities,
costs, and location. This process is
extremely stressful and exhausting. It
is not until admissions are granted
and accepted that families breathe a
sigh of relief and the graduating high
school senior relaxes. College now
becomes filled with thoughts of new
friends, new experiences, and new
environments.
As families prepare for the shift to
a new environment, a variety of feel-
ings emerge, from anticipation to anx-
iety. One eighteen year old said: "It is
weird to think about home. I can't
believe that my home, my bedroom

will no longer be the place where I
spend my time."
These feelings reflect the thoughts
of many college students as they
become increasingly aware of the
fac,I that their familiar routine will
change.
High school friendships also
become a concern. Students worry
about losing contact with their friends
and are determined to sustain them.
All of these feelings are part of sepa-
ration issues for the student.
Parents, too, have their separation
issues. They can feel anxious and
sad about their child's departure for

college especially when it is
me.
"baby", the last child to leave
Time and energy that were or-
devoted to the young adult nc
no direction. Some parents have
described their home as "feeling too
quiet," or "strange." When they corn(
home at night, they still expect to sei
their child talking on the telephone
while listening to the stereo. 7 -is:-
sights and sounds of the adolescent
are missing.
During this time of change, feel-
ings can become confusing. Friction
can develop. Parents have expresse
surprise and hurt at their child's une) -

"Here, you don't forget about your
Jewish life," Mr. Epstein says.
"Perhaps my Jewish perspective
would be lost in some way if I were in
another fraternity."
"It's nice," Mr. Epstein says. "Being
in a Jewish fraternity ads to the com-
fort level. It is like a security blanket."
Allison Zousmer, originally from
Bloomfield Hills, is an attorney in
Chicago. During her undergraduate
years at the University of Michigan,
she and several other students dis-
covered a need for a new Jewish
sorority.
Already there were two houses—
Alpha Epsilon Phi and Sigma Delta
Tau. Yet interest was greater than the
spaces available for membership.
"It made it easier to survive at a
large university," Ms. Zousmer

recalls. `!This provided a small sup-
port system in a large environment.
And I felt like I was more Jewish on
campus when my support system
was Jewish."
Ms. Zousmer says being a mem-
ber of the sorority helped her feel
connected to the Jewish commune
As an identified Jewish mere ier c
sorority, she was solicited for the
time for the United Jewish Appear_
She learned about the Allied
Jewish Campaign. She learned ab
Hillel.
"It gives you a tie," she says. "t
focus of the Jewish sorority is not is:.
gion, but you do begin to recognize
Jewish activities."

Fraternities, Sororities Provide Bond

By KIMBERLY LIFTON

Ally Stein was convinced she
didn't need to seek out Jewish friends
during her four years at Michigan
State University.
She was raised in suburban
Rockville, Md., where her family and
most of her friends were Jewish. She
understood her roots. What differ-
ence would four years make? she
asked herself.
Shortly after arriving to campus,
she had a change of heart.
"I met no Jewish students," she
recalls. "At first, I didn't think it mat-
tered. But something was missing."
Today, Ms. Stein, a junior, is presi-
dent of MSU's Sigma Delta Tau, the
university's only Jewish sorority she
joined specifically to meet other

Jewish students. Like the countless
other young students who rush
Jewish sororities and fraternities on
college campuses, Ms. Stein feels a
bond with the other members of SDT.
"The People are the same as
those with whom I grew up," she
says. 'We have the same back-
grounds, the same customs, We
don't do much Jewish stuff, but we
had a Chanukah dinner. Maybe it is
just the comfort of having a bond of
customs."
Joe Epstein, a junior at the
University of Michigan from Miami
Beach, is a member of Alpha Epsilon
Pi.
"Being in a Jewish fraternity wasn't
a prerequisite when I was going
through rush," he says. "It just hap-
pens to be a fringe benefit.

Kimberly Lifton is a Jewish News
Staff Writer.

A Letter To My Child Going Off To College

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Dear Alisa,
It is eighteen years now since I
wrote you from the waiting room of
the New Haven hospital. Though we
have communicated by letter from
time to time over the years, this
seems like to right occasion to
resume that earlier correspondence.
The last time I wrote, you were an
abstract idea. This time I am writing
to a very concrete you. In a few
hours, I am going to take you off to
college.
I should imagine that you are wor-
ried about losing old friends and
making new ones, about how you are
going to do in your classes, whether
it is really difficult to survive in big,
bad old New York City, and the dis-
tant, but not distant enough, question
about what you will do with your life
four years from now.
I am worried about the same mat-
ters but some additional ones as
well. In addition to worrying about

you, I am worried about myself, wor-
rying about my failings, worried about
whether I have adequately prepared
you for what is to come.
The Talmud says that a father
must teach his children three things:
Torah, a worldly occupation, and how
to swim. It is presumed that with
skills in these three areas, you can
manage anywhere. You are certainly
a splendid swimmer, far better than
one who is as ill-coordinated as I am
had a right to expect.
I am very pleased about your
cooking and catering abilities. They
are formidable and will always give
you an occupation if you want one,
whatever else happens in your life.
Whether it is a skill that you will use
or only store away in your head
doesn't matter. I have always been
grateful to my grandfather for teach-
ing me to bind books. I doubt if I am
ever going to bind books for a living,
but it is comforting to believe that I

could if I really had to.
I don't think that I have taught you
enough Torah. When I was growing
up, Judaism for me was mostly
something I found in books. For you
and your other three siblings, I want-
ed it to be more immediate, the
sounds you heard, the food you ate,
as natural as breathing.
I wanted you to be both traditional
and modern at the same time, and I
am not sure that I have given you the
tools. I am also concerned about the
extent to which I have tried to glue
onto you my kind of Jewishness and
what that might be doing to your
soul.
I think I should try harder to realize
that we are different people. Of late, I
have taken to counseling parents
that they have no more right to take
credit for their children's successes
than they are obligated to blame
themselves for their children's fail-
ures. The most casual glance at your

brothers and sister makes it clear
that kids raised in the same home
turn out to be very different people in
ways that can hardly be accounted
for by position in the family. It may be
biology, it may be maze) (luck), or
even will that has made each of you
unique.
That is what I believe in my head.
In my gut, however, I and the other
parents to whom I dispense this wis-
dom feel great personal satisfaction
from their children's triumphs and
great shame from their failures. I
secretly say of you: Look what I did
(hooray!), or Look what I did (sigh).
For both of us, part of the process of
our growing up is learning to sepa-
rate out some of these issues.
I fell comfortable with your .political
sensibilities, particularly that you
have them but also insofar as they
incline in the same direction as mine.
Then I say to myself, What right have
I to be happy about such a thing?

