roommates and/or suitemates, famil-
iarity with the campus, and their
classrooms. Creating a comfortable
living environment is important.
Familiarity helps to promote an initial
sense of security and stability.
While adjusting to college life, it is
not unusual for students to feel lonely
or worried about academics and
friendships. During this time, the stu-
dent may call home more frequently.
Parents should not curtail the phone
calls but instead listen to their child's
concerns without feeling alarmed.
Adjustment to college life is not
measured by frequency of phone
calls but rather by the student's ability
to concentrate, to study, to pass
exams, and to make friends. The abil-
ity to form friendships is an important
adaptive processes. It protects
against feeling of loneliness and iso-
lation while increasing a sense of
security and positive self esteem.
Finally, the freshman will return
home on school break. When the
time arrives, life will be different for all
of you. College students live by a dif-
ferent sociological clock than their
parents. On campus, students are
usually preparing to go out for the
evening while their parents are at
home preparing to go to bed. Late
night is for socializing and morning is
for sleeping. Families need to read-
just to each other's schedules. These
issues should be discussed and a
mutual agreement reached.
It is a test in the art of negotiating!

They are , after all, your sensibilities,
or if they aren't, they have no mean-
ing. But on the other hand, didn't I
help give them to you? Do I deserve
no credit? How do I give you stan-
dards as a parent while at the same
time view you with a least as much
nonjudgmental compassion as I
would want to extend to any other
independent adult? I don't yet know.
You haven't made it any easier,
either.
Whenever I give you the no-
,
/- adult-privileges-without-adult-respon-
sibilities speech, you always respond
by telling me that you are neither an
> adult nor a child but are something in
between. That is true, but also an
easy dodge. We are both rather
muddled about this issue, and I am
aware of no way out except to be
aware of it.
You turned out to be named prop-
erly. You are certainly a joy and a ray
of sunshine for everyone who knows
you. But when I expressed the wish

that you would be that way those
eighteen years ago, I forgot that the
energy that gives people like you
especially good cheer would from
time to time be quite depleted. It is
reassuring, however, how much bet-
ter in control of your gloom you are
than you once were.
We have had a special closeness,
you and I, perhaps because you
were a first child or perhaps because
so many of our best and worst quali-
ties and even our styles of dealing
with the world are so similar.
Perhaps it is because of the way we
seem to sweep up after each other.
It is more than likely that your
mother will have a bird tomorrow
upon seeing the state in which you
will almost inevitably leave your
room. To me, it seems the most nat-
ural state of affairs in the world that
you should be going to visit Eva in
the hospital, and if everything doesn't
get done, so be it. On the other hand,

you should be clear that people like
us need people like your mother to
keep our wolds ordered, and our
"flexibility" is most often sustained, at
no small cost to her, by her sense of
orderliness, resist it though we may.
I do not think I am much better a
parent now than I was eighteen
years ago when you were born. I
have learned much less along the
way than I should have supposed. I
have far less insight into how I think
you should raise our grandchildren
than I would have suspected.
What I have learned is that as
complex and exhausting as I thought
raising children would be, I greatly
underestimated the measure of effort
and time that would be required. I am
now more tolerant of other people's
styles of childrearing because I have
discovered how much more confus-
ing, exhausting, and sometimes even
desperate a task parenting is than I
imagined. I certainly no longer

believe that if you are sincere, every-
thing works out nicely. But though we
have had moments together that
have been painful, I can honestly say
I do not regret any of them. I have
come to view even those hard times
as part of what it is all about.
And so, Alisa, may you go in
peace and come in peace. May you
always be both our child and your
own independent person, even
though it will never be very neat. May
you find your path to Torah. May you
succeed with hard things. Whatever
you do in this world, may you do it
well, for then you will remain aliza
("happy" in Hebrew, pun intended).
With a love that has been well-
seasoned, Your satisfied father
Richard Israel

Reprinted from Hadassah Parent-
ing Book. "Four Letters To My Child,"
By Rabbi Richard Israel.

F E BR UAR Y

iainable anger and annoyance,
pecially right before fall enrollment.
his heightened tension often reflects
e stress in leaving home. It is easier
r some students to leave for college
eling home is less that perfect.
arents should not respond to this
ehavior by feeling hurt but instead
derstand its meaning and if exces-
ive discuss it.
Parents should not respond to their
avn feelings of loss or change by tun-
g them into excessive worries.
orrying can increase anxiety and
ad to frequent phone calls with their
hild for the sake of reassurance.
hese phone calls can become intru-
we, inappropriate, and confrontation-
. The number of call initiated by par-
nts need to be discussed with their
ollege freshman. It is important that
e young adult feels comfortable
Some parents and young adults
xpress a sense of guilt over their
action to leaving home. Parents feel
ncomfortable with the awareness
that they are enjoying the change in
their home. Students feel uncomfort-
able in the fact that they are looking
forward to college. Hopefully, both
parents and young adults enjoy their
new environment.
Once students enter college there
are numerous adjustments. The first
jis finding space in their dorm rooms
for their belongings. Lofts have
oecome standard. Floorspace must
be free for electronic equipment,
computers, and wires that run every-
where. The next series of adjust-
ments involve relationships with

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