r.
Mitzvah
Therapy

In his book, Why Love Is
Not Enough, Mr. Gordon,

)1 Gordon:
!usuands and
'iVec should be
fiends."

orget costly sessions
with a psychiatrist. Sol
Gordon has a better so-
lution for boosting self-
esteem — "mitzvah
therapy."
"People who are bored or de-
pressed are preoccupied with
themselves," said Mr. Gordon,
a San Francisco psychologist, in
a telephone interview from his
home. "They need to be helpful
and useful."
Forget singles bars and blind
dates too while you're at it. There
are better ways to meet Ms. or
Mr. Right. 'The best place to find
somebody is not at a bar or a
dance," he said. "You meet the
nicest people doing mitzvot."
And meeting people in the con-
text of helping someone else can
provide the foundation needed
for a successful relationship or
marriage, Mr. Gordon said. "It's
not enough to establish a rela-
tionship based on love or sex,"
he said. "A relationship needs in-
timacy, caring and friendship.
You have to consider each other
as people."

who has a doctorate in psy-
chology from the University of
London and has written 15
books on sexuality, self-esteem,
family studies and relation-
ships, encourages couples to for-
get about "Hollywood-style [love],
with swooning, dizzying, pas-
sionate sex at sunset, candlelight
dinners, and nights filled with
sweet dreams of the beloved." It's
just not enough.
Love at first sight doesn't
work, either. "If you think it's love
at first sight," he said, "take an-
other look. Love is blind for only
24 hours. Open your eyes."
There is no substitute for
building a relationship on friend-
ship, he said. "Falling in love cer-
tainly gets your attention," wrote
Mr. Gordon in his 1990 book.
"But friendship can [and does]
outlast romance. Love comes and
goes; friendship flows."
He encourages couples
who are considering mar-
riage to decide if they are
marrying for the right rea-
sons. His advice to couples
is that they evaluate their
relationships based on a
top 10 list. "Intimacy is
one and a sense of humor
is two," he said. "Sex is
nine and sharing house-
hold tasks is 10.' In
between falls doing
mitzvot, respect for and
acceptance of each other's
idiosyncrasies and differ-
ences, and enjoying plea-
sures together.

Scrap the
singles bar
and bail out
of the
blind date,
says author
Sol Gordon.
Doing good
will get you
your beloved.

MELINDA GREENBERG

Special to the Jewish News

.

There is even a test for couples
in the back of Why Love Is Not
Enough. The test asks 10 key re-
lationship questions about issues
like loving, caring, respecting
each other, sharing major inter-
ests and communication.
"Most people marry the wrong
person for the wrong reason,"
said Mr. Gordon, whose most re-
cent book, Life Is Uncertain. Eat
Dessert First, is about living life
for the moment. "People believe
things will get better once they're

married. But things get worse.
You have to solve the problems
before. Promises don't work."
Working out problems ahead
of time is especially important in
an intermarriage, Mr. Gordon
said. "It's not a problem of inti-
macy," he said. "It's an external
problem that can affect a rela-
tionship. It has to be attended
to."
While he does not speak out
against intermarriage, Mr. Gor-
don said he usually encourages
the non-Jewish partner to con-
vert. "We're the minority," he
said. "We have the greatest dif-
ficulty in sustaining life through
children and grandchildren."
Although his book and lecture
are not geared exclusively to a
Jewish audience, Mr. Gordon's
work espouses themes from the
Talmud and the Torah. His mitz-
vah therapy, for instance, reflects
the Jewish belief that if you save
one life, it's as if you've saved the
world.
But he believes his philosophy
about relationships — that friend-
ship and intimacy are strong
foundations to build on — is uni-
versal in nature. "My work is
helpful to people whether they
be secular, Orthodox or Reform,"
he said. "I speak more frequent-
ly to secular groups, and I've nev-
er known any group to take
exception to my Jewish themes."
He even injects some "Jewish
humor" into his lectures for a
Jewish audience. "People say you
only fall in love once," he said.
"I say you can fall in love 18 times

— chai." ❑