▪ s

SINGLE LIFE

Single, Male, Over 30
And Immature

PAUL STREGEVSKY

Grow up, the
author tells
men. And start
going after
women who
weren't born
yesterday.

W

hen we were
boys, Kiddush
found us gulp-
ing grape juice
from Dixie
cups. By our bar mitzvahs, we
had moved on to sweet Concord
wines. Today, our mature
palates prefer a sipped glass of
dry sherry. As we continue to
mature, so does our taste in
wines.

Dixie cup.
As I write, my heart sings
from the afterglow of an evening
getting to know an eminently
eligible woman. I'll call her
Rachel. Like many Jewish wom-
en, Rachel seeks to balance mod-
ern life with tradition. Selective
and independent, she has al-
ways sought a partner whom
she could regard as her peer.
Now at 34, she'd like a husband

"They all seem to be chasing
girls who played with my kid sis-
ter," she says.
Hers is an all-too-common
plight. In my five years in At-
lanta as a re-singled man, I
came to know several Rachels —
polished gems on the far side of
30 or 40, whose increasingly ur-
gent wish to marry runs smack
against two stark facts of life:
(1) Men prefer younger wom-
en; and
(2) The more a man ages,
the more junior a trophy he
seeks. My unscientific
studies suggest that once
he turns 30, a man ex-
pects his future wife to
have aged 0.7 year to
his one.
Consider "Rebecca,"
the most eligible wom-
an I know. Pm using eli-
gible to mean possessing
the Right Stuff, the in-
ner qualities that, ac-
cording to marriage
experts and Torah
teachings alike, pro-
mote a marriage
that's vital and
thriving. In Rebec-
ca's case, the inner
beauty is match-
•
ed by a fig-
,p. p
evesssove
ure and face
that turns
io0 5,0060.0.1" 0.1
heads.
,vvs,".%00%,1051•71.:.
..e.posespegfPg,;AT...
weary At
of 40,
the
;:ip :"S:0";;;;;;::::: chase, Rebec-
ca visited a lo-
• fitliti1441•NM• Philea'7:.; cal match-
..
Arseleg"I liqlot:is ■ :.1„;'•' maker. At in-
wg-g
terview's end,
.14%1
•
the shadchan
.•ier
f o r offered her two prospects. Bach-
' whom elor No. 1 was dangerously obese.
Judaism Bachelor No. 2 was every day of
▪
is a living 55.
The shadchan minced no
presence. A
self-employed words. "My dear," she intoned,
creative profes- "men your age don't want wo-
sional, Rachel is balanced and men your age. You can't afford
bright, sensitive and clear. And, to be picky."
When a woman is 30 or 40,
oh yes: she's beautiful.
For all her charms, Rachel her anxiety is not relieved by the
claims she has difficulty meet- laughable contradictions that
ing eligible Jewish men her age. shout from men's personal ads:

..:;;

But when it comes
to our taste in wives, many
of us have never weaned our-
selves from the purple-stained

Paul Stregevsky is a technical
writer and editor who lives in
Gaithersburg, Md.

"SJM teddy bear, 38, emotion-
ally secure, seeks toothsome
SJF, 23 to 28." Please.
At a national Torah singles
encounter held in Atlanta in
1990, a comely Manhattanite
could not hide her bitterness.
"When I reply to an ad from a
man in his 30s," she fumed, "I
have to say Pm 29. If I admit Pm
35, he'll reject me out of hand."
In their defense, some bache-
lors righteously invoke the Wish
to Have a Family. "I can't mar-
ry someone in her 30s," they ex-
plain; "I want children." This,
from men who want three kids,
max. Educated men, they know
that most women remain fertile
into their 40s. Literate men,
they're aware that older preg-
nancy isn't always the risk that
was long believed.
As a divorced man of 35, I've
long recognized the blessings of
women my own age and beyond.
If you're still looking for Lolita,
gentlemen, here's what you're
missing:

Older women know what it
takes. When the two of you are
not strolling barefoot along a
moonlit beach, you'll be negoti-
ating the give-and-take of a
shared life. Your mutual com-
mitment and love will be
strained by children, time and
endless personal differences. If
you've chosen well, your corn-
panion will understand that
maintaining a relationship is
hard work. Older women un-
derstand.
Older women are more finan-
cially secure. Faced with "what's
out there" (namely, us), they've
abandoned the Cinderella
dream that we'll take care of
them. In our place, they've built
a measure of financial indepen-
dence. If a woman your age or
older wants you, chances are it's
not for what you're worth, but
for who you are. Can you handle
that?
Older women don't make you
feel old. Perhaps you seek Loli-
ta because you've heard she'll
make you feel young. Who have
you been listening to — Hugh

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