UP FRONT
Make Me
A Perfect Match
Some couples with all the right stuff. . . Not!
ARTHUR J. MAGIDA
Special to The Jewish News
I
n much of the Western
world, today is the Day of
Love. Cards are swapped,
roses are offered, heart-
shaped candies are tenderly
tendered. Everywhere —
from kindergarten to college
campuses, from sedate of-
fices to garish wedding
chapels — love and amor,
passion and affection are in
the air. It's one heck of a
great 24 hours..
Valentine's Day was nam-
ed after a Catholic priest
who was clubbed to death on
Feb. 14, 269. Mr. Valentine,
as he was presumably
known before he was
canonized, had been im-
prisoned, according to one
source, "for succoring
persecuted Christians."
His captors must have
been a nasty lot: They decid-
ed to send him to his death
even after he had reportedly
restored the eyesight of his
jailor's blind daughter.
Over the centuries, Valen-
tine's Day's origins were
forgotten and it somehow
became dedicated to love. It
eventually turned into a
holiday for everyone: Birds
do it; bees do it; even
educated fleas do it. And
even Jews, a people usually
wary of holidays inspired by
the clubbing of anyone, do it.
To our readers, we lovingly
present this Valentine's
offering of some im-
probable couples.
There may be more to a
successful marriage than
amour: making sure there
are no dirty socks under the
bed; coming home every
night without someone's
lipstick on your collar; or,
something as simple and
basic and just plain hygienic
as taking the garbage out
every evening.
Finding the right mate
takes some of us decades.
Others spend a lifetime on
this quest and end up lonely
and frustrated, clutching at
distant memories and ruing
lost opportunities.
The more impulsive spend
a few hours finding their
mate. I know one journalist
who proposed to his wife on
their first date: They're still
married 12 years later. I
know another journalist who
proposed 48 hours after
meeting a pretty woman
from England. They wed;
they battled — and they split
up six months later.
After decades of marriage,
Rodney Dangerfield wasn't
certain he had pulled it off.
"My wife and I were happy
for years," he said. "Then we
met." And before he mar-
ried, Michael J. Fox seemed
to have one overriding
criteria for the girl of his
dreams: "I'm going to marry
a Jewish woman because I
like the idea of getting up on
a Sunday morning and going
to the deli."
Finding one's Better Half
is as elusive an art as filing
your income tax statements
on time or remembering
your mother-in-law's birth-
day. But in the interests of
advancing this craft, we pre-
sent a few ideal couples.
They're not the kind you'll
ever read about in the Na-
tional Enquirer, but the sort
who live only in Marriage
Heaven, a place where wed-
ding bells ring 'round the
clock, where seldom is heard
a discouraging word — and
where every sock lands in a
hamper at bedtime.
orite Cook. A match cooked to
perfection.
Yitzhak Shamir and
Hanan Ashrawi
He who gives back no ter-
ritory, and she who takes no
lip. If not soul mates, then at
least a stalemate. Maybe
they'll have a Green Line go-
ing down the middle of their
living room. This match isn't
made in heaven, but in the
corridors of the State
Department.
Pat Buchanan and David
Duke
Who says a good marriage
rests on good sex? Get your
mind out of the gutter and
consider common interests,
such as white supremacy and
America First. Think of the
great heart-to-hearts these
two Oval Office aspirants
will have. And instead of
Tupper Ware parties, they'll
have lynching soirees.
Bart Simpson and Betty.
Crocker
Betty's been too much of a
fuddy-duddy all -these years
and Bart's the man to spice
up her life. And who'll be
better at taming Bart than
well-seasoned, sensible Ms.
Crocker? Domesticity for
Master Simpson, a rockin'
good time for America's Fav-
Mikhail Gorbachev and
Shoshana Cardin
He might be out, but he's
not down. And who better to
pick up the former president
of the former Soviet Union
than Shoshana Cardin, the
woman with the most
organized mind in what we
used to call the Free World.
"and you will be reading
Hebrew in time for Passover,
which begins this year on
Friday evening, April 17."
The cost of housing, ulpan
language classes and social
services is, $3,800 per year
for each immigrant.
ROUND UP
Arab Poll Says
Voters Changing
The Arab American In-
stitute sees some fundamen-
tal shifting in the American
public's attitude toward
problems in the Middle East.
The AAI is calling the
results of polls it took last
November "a sea change"
because of a narrowing of
the gap between the tradi-
tional support for Israel and
a shift toward Arab view-
points. A 20-page "election
year issue paper" published
by the AAI reported some
changes that will be disturb-
ing to supporters of Israel.
According to the AM poll,
43 percent of American
voters were opposed to the
United States providing $10
billion in loan guarantees to
Israel under any cir-
cumstances. The AAI said
48.6 percent of Iowa voters,
under scrutiny because of
the presidential primary in
their state this week, were
opposed to the loan guar-
antees.
The AAI claimed that an
additional 36.4 percent of
U.S. voters were in favor of
the guarantees only if the
U.S. required Israel to stop
building settlements "in the
occupied territories of the
West Bank and Gaza Strip
as a condition.
"Thus, 'nearly eight of ten
U.S. voters — and 84.4 per-
cent in Iowa and 84.2 per-
cent in New Hampshire —
lined up against the official
Israeli government posi-
tion," the report said.
Reading Hebrew
By Passover
"It sounds too incredible to
be true, but yes!, in just five
free 90-minute lessons, you
can read the story of the
Jewish exodus from Egypt,
ask the Four Questions, and
learn to sing the songs of the
seder — in Hebrew!"
So begins a press release
for a free crash course in
reading Hebrew sponsored
by the National Jewish
Outreach Program. Inter-
ested persons can call toll-
free 1-800-HEBRE(W) (1-
800-444-3273) to find the
nearest location. In Mich-
igan, they are Machon
L'Torah in Oak Park and
Young Israel of Southfield.
Classes begin Feb. 23,
,1-8VejitVAIS.M
;■ cogto THE. CATAL 00 MR A JEWISH LIFESTYLE , 47S2S7Itt.
Ethiopian Emigres
Continue Adjustment
According to World Zionist
Organization - Jewish Agen-
cy figures, 19,880 Ethiopian
Jews made aliyah to Israel
this year, including 14,200
in Operation Solomon. There
are 4,000 Jews remaining in
Ethiopia, a report last week
said, and they are continu-
ing to emigrate to Israel at
the rate of 120-160 per week.
Sixty percent of the Ethio-
pians who came to Israel in
1991 were under the age of
18. Twenty-five percent were
age 18-45. Only 15 percent of
the emigres were above the
age of 44.
The Jewish Agency said
24,750 Ethiopian Jews are
living in its absorption
centers, including 11,397 in
hotels.
Can You Pass
A Judaism Test?
The Union of American
Hebrew Congregations'
Reform Judaism magazine
recently published a list of
"Ten Commitments" for
converts. It's- an interesting
summary for Jews-by-choice
and Jews-by-birth. Do you:
Light Shabbat and holiday
candles; fast on Yom Kippur;
place a mezuzah on the
doorpost of your home; give
charity; observe, at least
partially, the dietary laws;
affiliate with a synagogue;
worship regularly; continue
Jewish study; support the
State of Israel; raise your
children as Jews.
Compiled by
Alan Hitsky
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS 11