SINGLE LIFE
Illustration by Pamela Hobbs
Changing
The Pattern
How to
avoid reruns
of your
worst
relationships.
ROBIN SOSLOW
Special to The Jewish News
W
hen it comes to re-
lationships, do you
ever experience
dej a vu?
Have you ever accused
one boyfriend of being just
like the last? Or lamented
that all women are the
same?
Robin Soslow is the author of
The Official Single Woman's
Cookbook.
It's no secret that many
people gravitate toward the
same type of partner over
and over, no matter how of-
ten they've been disap-
pointed.
Perhaps you've had the
good fortune to escape the
trap of dysfunctional, un-
fulfilling relationships. But if
not, the good news is that you
can learn to recognize painful
patterns in your life and take
action to resolve them.
The only way to break free
of a cycle's effects is to
It helps to know
when to give up,
get out or let go.
Why do these two nice
groups have so much trouble
finding each other?
Because "whimsical" often
gets "obnoxious". . ."muddle-
headed". . `artistic" turns out
to be "drug-addicted" and
"nonconforming" proves
"non-self-supporting."
If you feel stuck in a
dysfunctional relationship,
it helps to consider the all-
purpose Alcoholics Anony-
mous prayer: "God grant me
the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change,
courage to change the things
I can, and the wisdom to
know the difference."
It also helps to know when
to give up, get out or let go.
Granted, every couple has
its differences. But when
one partner's behaviors vio-
late the other's values, it
might be time to say good-
bye. That way, both have a
chance to find more com-
plementary partners.
To avoid — or end — the
relationship reruns, consider
these steps:
• Become aware of the pat-
terns in your life. Could you
be sustaining a family cycle
of dysfunctional behavior?
Is your mother a suffering
martyr? Is your father a
self-denying workhorse?
Have you been living up (or
down) to negative labels?
• IVIake decisions and take
action. If you feel stuck in an
unhappy relationship, stop
acting on emotion and re-
view the situation objective-
ly. Get professional help if
needed. Idle threats have no
effect. Change yourself or
change the relationship.
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
87
ENERATION
quers all. Years of movies,
television, love stories and
pop songs have drummed
this misconception into our
heads and hearts. Also,
frankly, the facts aren't al-
ways fun to face.
So we learn by experience
that someone we're at-
tracted to is not necessarily
the one we'd really like to
share our lives with.
Men complain that women
find kind, reliable, responsi-
ble — "nice" —guys boring.
Women complain that men
find loyal, loving, responsi-
ble —"nice" — women dull.
r
break the cycle. But anyone
who has attempted to tackle
addictions — psychological
or physical — can attest that
old habits die hard. Habits
take on lives of their own, so,
we often fail to recognize
them in ourselves.
Especially if we've lived
with something painful a
long time, we may not just
adapt to it, but also find
some degree of security in it.
The situation hurts, but it's
familiar and predictable.
For example, think of how
many children misbehave.
They get spanked, scolded
and screamed at. But at
least they get attention. So
it's not really so amazing the
misery some people will en-
dure in a relationship.
In her best-selling books
about co-dependency,
Melodie Beattie points out
self-defeating behaviors that
many employ to cope with
stress and pain.
Rather than avoid or quit
miserable relationships — or
confront their own personal
problems — they try to con-
trol others to make things
better. This works about as
well as trying to regulate the
weather. We can't manage
the people in our lives like
phone bills or dirty dishes.
In Women Who Love Too
Much, Robin Norwood re-
vealed that many intel-
ligent, caring people unwit-
tingly attempt to recreate,
relive and fix the broken-
down relationships in their
lives. As much as they hate
the pain, they drift toward
familiar situations, ever-
hopeful to right the wrongs
of their past.
It's not uncommon to be
attracted to someone remin-
ding us of another we cared
about, or were excited by, in
the past. Yet no matter what
we do to make this time
"different," it turns out the
same.
Those driven to protect
the helpless usually find
themselves stuck with
someone hopeless. Drifters
drift to stable, goal-directed
sorts, then bemoan their ri-
gidity. Self-abusers and sav-
iors couple and uncouple,
with no miraculous trans-
formation having taken
place. They go around in cir-
cles, never breaking the cy-
cle.
Why? Perhaps because,
despite overwhelming evi-
dence to the contrary, we
want to believe love con-