open and shut all the drawers, crank
up that old Victrola. Breathe on all the
mirrors, check behind the paintings,
try out the beds — all the while as-
serting you had better as a kid but
your mom threw it out. Don't be self-
conscious; it's like kicking the tires of
a new car. Dealers expect it and
they'll respect you more for it.
RULE FOUR: Don't get personal.
Okay, most auctions are occasioned
by death or bankruptcy. Okay, so a
bunch of total strangers are pawing
around some poor soul's life bidding
pennies for his or her treasures?
Don't let it get to you. And above all,
watch out for heirs who stare longing-
ly at certain items and try to guilt-trip
you into paying too much for them.
When some lady accosts you with
a misty-eyed look and sighs "I

DON'T BE INTIMI-
DATED. Bidding is a war between you
and the auctioneer. Put him off
balance. Break his rhythm. It's a mat-
ter of self-preservation. Don't believe
in "auction fever?" Then how come
you arrived with a precise idea of
what you wanted, a sure grasp of
values, explicit price limitations, yet
walked away with the winning $250
bid on a brass lamp shaped like a
naked lady with a clock in her belly?
The only cure is to keep your self-
possession and don't let the process
stampede you. Make sure you truly
understand what is being bid. When
the auctioneer says "H000wmucham-
Ibid foritemthirtyeight doahhearfifty-
fiftyfifthyseventyfiveeighty eighty-
eightywho'llgiveme eightyeighty
eightydollarbill?"

RULE SIX:

.. , .. •• . •

....

... .............

••

...

remember Mother holding that blank-
et the night Baby Willie died," nod
sympathetically and reply "then I'm
sure my dachsund will appreciate it
all the more."
RULE FIVE: Keep up your strength.
Auctions are all-day affairs, like
baseball games — and they serve
much of the same food. You can't
allow your blood sugar to get low and
affect your judgment. Best bet is to
grab a Sloppy Joe, load it with
Tabasco and onions, then meander
around looking at the quilts.

OKAY! THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
Bidding time. Stuff is being hauled up
to the block, and you have to decide
whether and how to bid. Be sure you
know what you're doing. Think aloud,
if you have to. Raise your hand ten-
tatively, then snatch it down, shouting
"No! I changed my mind!" Then
shoot it up again with an "Oh, I guess
so. No! Wait!"

Raise your hand and say "Excuse
me, sir. Could you please repeat
that?"
RULE SEVEN: Slow down the ac-
tion. Auctioneers' biggest ruse is to
heat up the bidding and run up the
price in a hurry. Counter by interrupt-
ing the proceedings. Ask questions.
Remember Cary Grant in "North By
Northwest?" Put on your best accent
and shout "I bid fifty. No. Fifty CENTS.
And it isn't worth that! How do I know
it isn't a fake?" (But be warned. You
may indeed need Leo G. Carroll to
help you escape.)
RULE EIGHT. Have fun! Get in bid-
ding wars with people, shoot the price
up, then drop out. This is tricky, and
you do risk coming home with eccen-
tric artifacts. No matter. The auction
staff will love you and may even in-
vite you out for a beer afterward.
RULE NINE: Don't be a sore loser.
When beaten out on something, re-
sist the urge to shout "Well I didn't
want THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE any-
way. I was just going to give it to my
mother-in-law!" But you can go
around and try to make side deals,
offering the winner five bucks over
the paid price. . . just friendly-like.
RULE TEN: Bring your kids. But
that's another story. E

PICK UP
AN
ORIGINAL
VAN GROW.

P1R/
"tf

Decorate your home with living
art . . . from the lush greenhouses
of Planterra. Nobody has a wider
choice of green and glowing
masterpieces, designed to work
with any decor, any lifestyle. We'll
help you select plants that will live
and thrive in your unique home
environment, assuring you of
beauty for years to come.

Visit our greenhouse galleries
soon . . . and bring home artworks
that are sure to grow on you.

Open Mon. 9-3, Tues.-Fri. 9-5,
Sat. 10-4, Closed Sun.

7315 Drake Road
West Bloomfield
661-1515

FALL '91 39