AUCTION

ETIQUETTE

O YOU: Refer to miscellaneous

junk as a "collection?" Believe a
home's purpose is to showcase ran-
dom 19th century household objects?
Maintain a list of elderly relatives, in-
dexed by condition of antiques and
friendliness of possible heirs?
Subscribe to artsy magazines which
feature 19th century-looking com-
puter terminals?
Then you are suffering from the
dreaded syndrome "Antique Addic-
tion," characterized by a morbid
fascination with things your great-
grandmother would have considered
trash.
You're terminally hooked by Old
Stuff, and if you want to feed this
habit your options are few. You can
pay extortionate prices in little shops
run by tweedy buccaneers. You can
wait for old aunts to die and butter
up the estate's executor. Or you can

38 HOME

go to the source — the font of all an-
tiques: the country auction. Here is
a set of pointers to impress the
regulars, awe the rubes, and come
away with a collection of artifacts to
make the National Gallery Weep:
HOW TO BEHAVE AT A COUNTRY
AUCTION.
RULE ONE: Country auctions bring
out country folks. Resist the urge to
wail "how could folks stand to live this
way in the old days?" The "old days"
may have been two weeks ago. If you
must shout "My God, Just LOOK at
all the primitives," be sure you're talk-
ing about whirlygigs. And if you run
into lots of bearded men wearing
black, they're probably not artists, but
Amish or Mennonites. Be courteous.
Although these folks are peaceful
people who won't beat you up, you
could find yourself being mauled by
a Morgan.

■ BY CHUCK MOSS

RULE TWO: Socialize — be friend-

ly. Mingling with your fellow bidders
makes the auction a communal, co-
operative affair. . .and also gives you
a chance to psyche out potential op-
ponents. Little dropped remarks like
"What a piece of JUNK!" or "Didn't
we just see that at rfrudy's garage sale
on the five buck table?" can sow the
seeds of doubt, to be reaped later in
the heat of the bidding. Conversely,
you can have a little harmless fun with
clearly inexperienced types by point-
ing to worthless trash and whisper-
ing "I bought the same thing in
London for five hundred pounds.
Nyuk! Nyuk!
RULE THREE: Examine the mer-
chandise. Auctioneers generally put
out the merchandise for folks to in-
spect. Do so. If Caveat Emptor's the
rule, then by all means cavort in the
emporium. Bounce in all the chairs,