Seder Inspires Freedom For All Continued from Page L-1 needs because of learning disabilities, mental illness or emotional problems. But this story was written long before such diagnoses were understood, and its message still holds true. We must rise above our own expectations, and help our children find the answers to their own questions, in ways that are meaningful to them. This is sound advice for any parent, but, for parents of handicapped children, it's even more important. And it's no easy feat. There are days when the frustrations seem endless, the disappointments too crushing to endure. In a wonderful essay called "Welcome to Holland," author Emily Pearl Kingsley compares having a handicapped child to planning a trip to Italy. You learn Italian and buy all the appropriate guidebooks. Then, just before the plane is scheduled to arrive, the pilot announces that instead of going to Italy you will be landing in Holland, where you must stay. Ms. Kingsley goes on to describe the dismay you feel at this unexpected change in plans, while, all around you, your friends are busy taking their own trips to Italy. But, she writes, after you come to terms with your disappointment and the loss of your dream, Holland no longer seems like such a terrible place, just a different kind of place. After awhile you begin to notice the lovely things around you: the windmills, the tulips, the Rembrandts. Such has been my own experience. Like all parents, I wanted my children to have all of my talents, none of my flaws. I used to fantasize about the daughter I would someday have. I was sure she would be like I was as a child; an early talker, quick to learn. Instead, her developmental skills lag far behind "normal" children her age, and I know that there is much she doesn't understand. Yet when I look at her, I don't see my own disappointments; instead I see her beauty and that of the world around her. Her mind is extremely efficient in certain areas, sometimes amazingly so. At 18 months she knew all the letters of the alphabet, in random order, and could name every color in the rainbow. Like me, she loves to read, not just picture books, but full-length "epics" which she memorizes from cover to cover, correcting me if I skip so much as a word. And, as much as I've tried to teach her in our four years together, I know she has taught me more. She has an unabashed enthusiasm for life, a true zest I have never been able to achieve. As I have come to accept her as she is, to let her develop at her own pace, to encourage instead of demand, I have also learned to go a little easier on myself, to cut myself some much needed slack. As Jewish parents, to whom learning is so important, it's easy to favor our "wise sons" over those whose questions may be more difficult to answer. This year, children seated around seder tables all over the world will ask the "four questions," their faces eagerly awaiting our response. If we learn from the story of the four sons, we can make sure that this Pesach, and all through the year, no child's question will go unanswered. Ronelle Rosenthal Grier is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to The Jewish News. No Questions Go Unanswered Continued from Page L-1 in connection with the telling of the Exodus story, (Exodus 12:26; 13:8; 13:14; Deuteronomy 6:20). These verses mention children asking or being told about the exodus. The biblical text reveals nothing about the character of the children. However, the rabbis in the Midrash have described each of these passages as representing four types of children. Each type is reflected in what the child says and how the child is answered. These four children represent archetypes which provide us with a model for teaching the Pesach story. In the Talmud (Pesahim 116A), "The parent should teach the child on the level of the child's understanding." I would like to examine the child who is unable to ask. Although this child could represent any of a number of different types of characters, I would like us to look at this child as one who has special needs. The Passover seder is to be told so that each person can understand it and yet, until recently, I had never thought of telling the seder to one who is developmentally disabled. etehtl6a/ THE JEWISH NEWS 27676 Franklin Road Southfield, Michigan 48034 March 15, 1991 Associate Publisher Arthur M. Horwitz Jewish Experiences for Families Adviser Harlene W Appelman L-2 FRIDAY, MARCH 15, 1991 My teacher, Danny Siegel, describes his father's personal Passover ritual in his book, Unlocked Doors. A number of brain damaged children would be invited who would sit in between each one of the guests. Danny writes. ismm■ +no it . h. •••.- Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity and privilege to share in a Passover seder at JARC (Jewish Association for Residential Care for the Developmentally Disabled). Two years ago, in order to try to teach the joy of the celebration of freedom, I asked those assembled at the seder to share a favorite song which made them feel happy. One of the residents began to sing "Hava Nagila, Come Let Us Be Happy." I was moved by this expression of joy and "Hava Nagila" has since become part of our Passover seder. Although this song may have no direct bearing on the Passover seder and may not be one of our traditional Passover songs, it was an opportunity to teach about the joy of living and was certainly a song to which this particular resident could relate. At our Passover seder, we are charged to open our doors so that all who are hungry can come in and eat. I urge all of us to think about how wonderful it would be to invite someone with special needs to our Passover seder. Many of us invite newcomers in the community or college students from one of the local universities. "You will say their noises disturb the recitations. That is true. You will say my mother was burdened enough cleaning house and cooking the week through for 50 or 60 people. That is true. You will say the children needed watching every minute: they would spill things; they would throw up; they might start to shout, and that, too, is true. But next to each member of my family and in between other couples was one of these children, and eachof us was charged with caring for - tht_child, watching over all of thenrOhd treating them as best as tlbses might have treated them,ainong the masses being taken fromrharaoh's slavery — for we must assume that there were palsied and polioed children 3,000 or 4,000 years ago, too. Each of us was to bring the message, however dimly perceived, to these children." (p. 3). In conclusion, at this holiday of freedom, let us not forget those who do not enjoy the simple freedoms that we take for granted. Let us open our hearts and if we have the courage, our homes, to those who are developmentally disabled and truly make this a special Passover. Rabbi Bruce D. Aft is director, Midrasha-College of Jewish Studies and principal, Community Jewish High School.