Family Violence Creates Special Needs

By SANDRA JAFFA

Every day in America, 1,849
children are abused or neglected.
"Most children who are abused
or neglected live through it. The
question is, what kind of life do they
have?
Jill is the adopted daughter of a
military man who started sexually
abusing her when she was 12 years
old. 'It started out every Sunday
and then, pretty quickly, he started
climbing into bed every night.' She
eventually ran away from home. Her
father brought her back. That's
when she told her mother what was
happening. Her mother did nothing
about it. Her father continued to
molest her for another year. Then
she left home for good.
And the upshot of all this? 'By
the time I grew up I was angry all
the time ... I took it out on
anybody who happened to be
around. Salesclerks in Macy's, for
instance. If they didn't move fast
enough, I would lose it. And of
course I would take it out on the
people I cared about, too. I would

become an ogre over nothing . . . I
was very self-destructive and it was
getting worse and worse and worse
. . . It's the betrayal. How can
somebody who says he loves you
do this? You end up all screwed
up.' " "Permanent Damage,"
November 1990, Parenting
Magazine).
"Her father, mother, and older
sister regularly beat her as a child.
She retaliated by beating her
younger sister. Now, herself a

"Abuse and family
violence perpetuates
itself through
generations because
children learn to repeat
what they have been
taught."

parent, she has beaten her own
daughters, and the daughters in
turn often strike each other. Her
husband controls her with threats of
violence and warns her never to
reveal the 'family secret.' She is a

42-year-old Reform Jew from an
upper middle class family .. .
She has tried to stop hitting her
children, attending therapy sessions
with her husband, but she is afraid
to say too much out of fear that her
husband will not return to the
sessions or that he will throw her
out of the house, leaving her
without economic support and
social status. When asked whether
family violence was a problem
among Jews, she said no. She was
not aware of a single Jewish family
in which violence was a problem.'
(Reformed Judaism, Winter
1983-1984).
Despite our preference as Jews
not to confront these issues, incest,
child sexual abuse and physical
abuse are Jewish problems waiting
to be uncovered. Child abuse and
family violence are not bound by
any race, religion, or social class.
This does happen in Jewish families
and the violence is passed on from
one generation to the next. Both
victim and abuser need help with
their problem.
These special needs families
benefit from understanding that they
are not alone, isolated or different
from others within the Jewish
community. These families need to
know that they are not to blame for
what is happening. Abuse and
family violence perpetuates itself
through the generations because
children learn to repeat what they
have been taught.
One way to deal with this
abuse is through the Jewish Family
Service Child Abuse Prevention
Program. This program helps both
children and adults deal with the
different ways that they have
learned to cope with life in an effort
to enhance their relationships with
others, allowing them to feel some
pleasure, and to help them avoid
repeating their experiences in
growing up.
"We teach our children that
one must honor and obey one's
parents. Filial obligations are a
cornerstone of our tradition. Imagine
the confusion an abused Jewish
child must feel when confronted
with this teaching! In the words of
Perke Avot, 'Ours is not to complete
the task, but neither are we free to
abstain from it.' There is much work
that remains to be done to break
the cycle of violence and eradicate
abuse from our homes and families.
Awareness is the way to begin."
(The Abused Chi' Help and Hope
Compass, Fall 19,u).

Sandra Jaffa, A.C.S.W., B.C.D., is
program manager of Jewish Family
Service.

Klal Yisrael
All Jews

Klal Yisrael means all
Jews — everyone: Jewish
prisoners, IQ-deficient Jews,
Jews with an extra
chromosome who languish in
non-Jewish homes because no
Jews will take them in,
battered Jews, Jews who are
old-time Yiddish-speaking
Socialists, alcoholic Jews and
Jewish drug abusers, rich and
poor Jews and middle-income
Jews, Orthodox Jews, simple
and fancy-schmancy Jews,
downtrodden and lonely Jews,
the burned Jews and the
scarred Jews (by accident or
by defense of the Homeland),
the deformed Jews and ugly
Jews as well as the gorgeous
ones, Jews with AIDS and
nowhere to go in some Jewish
communities, elderly Jews
(Moses told Pharaoh that they
would leave Egypt with old and
young alike), Reform Jews,
hungry Jews and poor Jews —
the ones who cannot afford a
decent Passover or Purim, or
any Passover or Purim at all,
or have no familiy in the whole
world to eat Shabbat dinner
with, Reconstructionist Jews,
homeless Jews, unemployed
Jews, displaced Jews, suicidal
Jews, mglicklich Jews, i.e.,
Jews who have never had any
luck in life, sad Jews,
momzerish-and-arrogant Jews,
humble-and-decent Jews,
Conservative Jews, caring and
callous Jews, Jews who are
hot, Jews who would be free
and involved and Jews who
would be free and uninvolved,
Jews living in terror and Jews
unaware of the blessings of
life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness or unable to attain
those blessings, Jews who
used to be non-Jews, insightful
and dull and boring Jews,
scholarly and ignorant Jews,
wise and foolish Jews, active
and committed and assimilated
Jews, Jews who are hypocrites
and Jews who are sincere,
insensitive Jews, and those
who can't sleep at night for the
suffering of Klal Yisrael.
And that is just some
small portion of the Jewish
people.

— Danny Siegel

THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

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