SINGLE LIFE

Passion Preserved

MARCELA KOGAN

Special to The Jewish News

S

tashed away in boxes,
people save love
letters from partners
who once held out hope for
true and lasting love.
Some reread these letters
and blush at the words ex-
lovers gushed out in the heat
of passion. They sound so
melodramatic! Others rarely
glance at them, afraid of
stirring old painful
memories.
These crumpled lust-filled
sheets people lug around
give clues about who we
were and how we felt about
ourselves. The letters bring
back memories of dreams
that came true, popular per-
sons who didn't love us back
or rejects who pestered us for
dates.
Love affairs come and go.
But the letters remain in-
tact, like snapshots of our
past.

Marcela Kogan is a freelance
writer in Chevy Chase, Md.

"Love letters help main-
tain links with events in the
past so they are not totally
erased from memory," ex-
plained Fred Strassburger, a
psychologist in Washington
D.C. "They rekindle feelings
we had when we were first in
love, or in the throes of pas-
sion. It's exciting to reread
them; they bring back
memories. It makes us feel
alive."
Singles weary of dating,
who need an ego boost, can
get a lot out of rereading the
gushing correspondence.
The notes are reminders
that if someone once valued
the recipient, there is a
chance others will as well.
Better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at
all, the famous saying goes.
But some singles feel that
glancing over old amorous
notes is depressing, calling
to mind failed relationships
which began passionately
and optimistically. A
Baltimore doctor, who fre-
quents black tie single
events has thrown out most
of his love letters.

"It made me feel older to
have these letters around,
like a spinster carrying
around memories," said 41-
year-old Dan, who asked
that his last name not be
used. "I want something
fresh and new in my life."
Recalling a poem from a
woman he once liked, he
flinched. Why didn't he pur-
sue her? Was he scared? Is
he still scared?
"It makes me crazy to re-
member it," he said, which
might be why he ditched
that note.
But rereading her letters
might have given him a clue
to what happened — insight
which could help him im-
prove relationships now. But
since the letters have been
destroyed, Dan must rely on
his memory for details.
Rereading old love letters
can also be dangerous if the
person loses perspective.
Singles dating boring people
might be tempted to race to
the phone to call up old
beaus without thinking
about why the affair didn't
work.
Warning: Your old flame's
spouse might answer the
phone. Or even if you get to
your old dating partner, that
person might not be com-
patible with you.
"People idealize about

he wrote said a lot about the
stage of life he was at."
Many letters burst with
adjectives, praise and
metaphors as lovers try to
express sexual longing,
dreams and confusion about
how to act. Inspired lovers
notice the wind brushing
against their beau's hair,
their beloved's shy, far away
look.
While Mrs. Mond might
not enjoy the drama, many
people relish the tingles that
bubble up when viewed
through the eyes of a love-
struck admirer.
Washingtonian Leslie
Limmer, a research analyst
for the federal government
in her 30s, would enjoy open-
ing a handwritten envelope
and finding something more
personal than a Hadassah
invitation.
"I've always wanted peo-
ple to write me schmaltzy
letters," Ms. Limmer said. "I
dated somebody in college
when I was 21. It was the
first fling for both of us, and
every day I would go home
between classes and look in
my mailbox and think (about
the song): 'Hey, wait a
minute, Mr. Postman.' "
She did finally get a letter
— he was into meditation
and had met another
woman.

When the love is gone,
the letters can still spark
memories.

what they had long ago and
forget about the bad," said
Sharon Mond, director of
College and Singles Services
for the Baltimore Jewish
Community Center.
"Suddenly, the relationship
in the present doesn't look so
great. The reality is that
everyone has problems. And
in a solid relationship you
don't feel passion all the
time."
While dating, Mrs. Mond
was weary of people who
went overboard roman-
tically. She ruled out the guy
who sent her effusive love
letters every day and topped
his poetry with telephone
messages on her answering
machine.
"He was too obsessive for
me," Mrs. Mond said. "What

Has Ms. Limmer written
any juicy letters to others in
hopes of increasing returns
on her own stash of notes?
"I wouldn't have the nerve
to send them out," she con-
fessed.
This sentiment is shared
by many singles. Dan, for in-
stance, fears "people will get
turned off" if he reveals too
much. Well-spoken profes-
sionals worry their amateur
poetry will sound corny.
Sylvia Schildt, a widow from
Milford, Md., who is too em-
barrassed to compose love
letters, would also "wince if
I received love letters with
typos."
"If the guy wrote like
Shakespeare I'd be impress-
ed," said the advertising
copy writer and editor who

THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

105