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Effective Grandparenting Transcends Distance
By MARGARET WEINER
system unto itself — to be able to
meet all the needs of its members
and to live as a socially and
economically self-contained,
autonomous unit. Hence, the
significance of social networks for
each family.
Grandparents were a primary
part of the family network before we
knew such a fancy name, and they
continue to be a most important
"natural resource" in family life,
even in this era of the Frequent
Flyer Family.
Grandparents who are wise
about the functions and limitations
of their roles can be major figures
in the art of mentschen-molding.
Here are some remembered —
and, probably, common —
characteristics of grandparents from
another generation:
• Grandmothers have laps that are
always the right size, regardless of
what size you are.
• They bake sugar-and-cinnamon
cookies that are remembered fifty
years later.
• They are better than a "Phila-
delphia lawyer" (a grandmother's
expression for telling you what a
smart mouth you have) at finding
a really good excuse for your
naughtiness, and reasons why
you should not be punished.
• They can be the natural support
• Grandfathers can always fix
group for parents (as long as they
broken toys.
remember who the child's parents
• They scold when you are naughty,
are, who has the final
but while they scold their eyes
responsibility and authority for
are smiling.
rules and discipline).
• They can explain everything
• They can be living bridges
about synagogues, about what is
between what was and what will
going on in the world, and about
be, offering a sense of belonging
horses.
somewhere, of a shared history
This is the richness and
that will continue.
complexity of the grandparent roles:
• They can be a natural support
companion, nurturer, protector,
system for the child (as long as
teacher.
they remember that the cross-
So it was.
generational coalition is supposed
So it still is.
to
strengthen family relattionships,
The form may change, but not
not pull the child away from his
the substance of the grandparents'
parents).
place in the family structure.
• They can be the family mortar that
In our constantly changing
holds together different branches
world, the grandparents' roles
and generations of the extended
remain comfortingly familiar.
family.
Grandparents offer us continuity —
a linkage of the past to the future — • They can help the family to reach
a reasonable balance between
regardless of social shifts.
individual growth and fulfillment
It is impossible for the modern
nuclear family to be a complete
and development of the family as
a unit. They can be an impressive
model of how one balances many
priorities — today, grandparents
are employed, active in the
community, dealing with children
and grandchildren, and taking
care of their own parents!
Grandparenting means a
sharing of what one has learned
and the ability to offer a perspective
on situations — and not to take it
personally when what one has
learned and one's perspectives are
not readily welcomed.
Grandparents also means
knowledge when to be there. The
successful grandparent knows how
to be available without being
intrusive. This is a neat trick
requiring practice as well as
recognition of one's Intrusiveness
Quotient (which is usually easier to
spot in the other sets of
grandparents).
A high IQ in this regard means
that you are often in their home
even when you haven't been invited,
that you frequently give advice that
was not asked for, that you are sure
there is only one right way to do
most child-raising activities and are
energetic in trying to get them to
see it your way.
Geography and family
disharmony and separations can
interfere with the grandparent's
availability and the family's
accessibility to the grandparent.
This is not the first time that
great distances have separated
families; the immigrant families
often left their older generation
behind and had little hope of seeing
them again. But, today it is possible
to deal with geography.
The East Coast grandparents
and West Coast children and
grandchildren can attach to each
other by letter, telephone, photo
albums, audio and video cassettes
and occasional trips. The long-
distance relationship takes some
effort and cannot feel the same as
living close to each other but
milestones (the first step, going to
kindergarten, the first Little League
game) can be shared, and a routine
of regular contacts — even if these
cannot be in person — enriches all
the generations.
Psychological distance growing
out of family disunity and
separations, and blended families is
more complicated. The grandparent
to a remarried family can find great
satisfaction and strengthen the new
family unit by taking step-
grandchildren into the
grandparenting circle and by
dealing with other relatives in a
cooperative rather than competitive
fashion.
Grandparents cannot always
make a happy ending for the story
and need to learn not to blame
themselves when the happy ending
is delayed.
Remember the great relationship
between grandmother and
granddaughter in Crossing
Delancey? Each one gave and each
one got. They were allies in a
complicated sometimes dangerous
world. But, mostly, they enjoyed
each other.
Mrs. Margaret Weiner is Associate
Executive Director Jewish Family
Service and Resettlement Service
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
L-3