A

re you carried in the front
door on the shoulders of your
cheering fellow guests or
dumped out the back porch on a rail?
Do all the lights mysteriously switch
off when you drive up? When the
hostess busses your cheek, does she
squeal with delight or dismay? Worse,
when you get your wrap and walk out
the door. . . is everyone crouching
under the windows, laughing at you?
Well, cheer up, fear not, and gear
up for good times — because here
comes an indispensable aid to shed-
ding that hyena skin and transform-
ing yourself into a social lion, sought-
after, fought-over, and even maybe
asked to return: A quick and easy
guide on how to be the Perfect Guest.
"The best way is to be perfect to
begin with," says my Uncle Bobby, ac-
tor and veteran Hollywood survivor.
"If you can't do that, then overwhelm
your hosts with gifts. Walk in the door
and present flowers, expensive
jewelry. . . give them your car. . . that
puts them on your side."
"The first five seconds are the most
important," concurs New York cloth-
ing designer Audrey Supple. "Keep
in mind, they invited you . . . they
must have had a reason. Say 'hello'
and hope they remember what it
was."
The first requirement of a Perfect
Guest is a hospitality offering. Flow-
ers, candy and bottles of beverage
are the most common. "You can give
more thoughtful, personal gifts if you
want," says my Uncle Bobby. "But not
craft items made by your mother in
her therapy class. And no furniture
you want to get rid of either."
"Flowers are best," Supple advises.
"But don't clip them from your host's
own garden, like my ex-husband us-
ed to do."
Once in the door, circulate. Meet
people. Join the party! But the key to
Perfect Guestry is the golden mean.
Not too much, not too little, and
never, ever upstage the hostess.

but not too
1) Be well dressed
well dressed. Showing up everyone
is fun for a few moments — until the
rest of the guests start spilling clam
dip on you.
but not too
2) Be charming
charming. "And never be overly char-
ming to just one spouse," says Uncle
Bobby. "Particularly in the kitchen
when no one else is around."

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—

3) Be witty, but not too witty, "how about that damned Arafat?"
"Malice is to conversation what garlic you don't need to firmly reply "my
is to salad," says Supple. "Always re- goodness, the sky is pretty this time
member that Dorothy Parker got kick- of year:'
but not too
7) Be amusing
ed out of San Simeon. Peggy Noonan
got crossed off Nancy Reagan's list amusing. "Comedians get paid to per-
and lost her job. Bart Simpson never form, and eat with the help," observes
Supple. "Besides, the host or hostess
goes anywhere."
4) Enjoy the snacks but not too wants all the best lines."
don't be
8) Don't be too late
much. Make a meal of what Lyndon
Johnson called "horse-dee-durves," too early — don't bring the kids —
and you'll be finishing your last don't bring the photos.
but not too
9) Be responsible
course at Taco Bell.
responsible. Knowing when to stop in-
gesting alcohol is both polite and pru-
dent. But monitoring the alcohol,
sodium, sugar, caloric, cholesterol,
ozone and ecological consciousness
indices of the party is not
recommended.
10) "And for God's sake," both
Supple and Uncle Bobby stressed,
"Know when to go home!"
Role models are important. Here is
a list of Perfect and Not-So-Perfect
guests throughout history.

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—

—

—

4.0

IMPERFECT
PERFECT
GUESTS
GUESTS
Hernando Cortez
Oscar Wilde
Mark Anthony Alexander
Wollcott
David Niven
Saddam Hussein
Sidney Poitier
Sarah Bernhardt General Sherman
Roseanne Barr
Lauren Bacall
Mikhail Barysh- The Who
Judy — in "It's
nikov
My Party."
"Guess Who's
"The Masque Of
Coming To
The Red
Dinner"
Death"
One final reminder. There are some
folks out there who feel this list is not
for them, who figure they'll get invited
back no matter what. They are:
A) Family.
B) Hot tickets.
C) The Boss.
Just remember that the world is full
5) "Don't put salt and pepper on
your food before you taste it," says of has-beens who spend their holi-
Uncle Bobby. "It tells the hostess you days at local shelters. As for The Boss,
think her cooking might be inade- the guy who thinks "who cares how
quate. And for God's sake, don't put I act? I can fire the lot of 'em!" — well,
salt and pepper on AFTER you've remember Rumania's Ceausecu? All
tasted it. That tells her you KNOW it's his employees finally got together
and dispensed with him. But for item
bad."
6) Stay away from controversial A) Family — my own uncle has the last
subjects — but don't be too bland. word. "You'll always be the Perfect
"How's your lawsuit going?" is invar- Guest if you keep one fact firmly in
iably a bad conversation starter. mind:
"Tomorrow the party's at YOUR
Religion and politics are commonly
avoided, but when someone pipes up house."

GIFT GUIDE '90 11

