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104
FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 1990
However, even outside help
does not resolve the second-
shift problem. It's really a
"his-and-hers" issue that re-
quire an attitude change
about sharing. Wives become
upset when they see their
husbands watching TV, read-
ing a newspaper or relaxing
with the children while
they're busy running the
household. Wives need "down
time," too.
When responsibilities
aren't shared, working wives
often make two big mistakes.
First, they nag. Second, they
react with sullen, quiet
resentment. Both approaches
fail, because they're negative,
say the experts.
One way to handle the situ-
ation is to apply negotiating
skills developed in the work-
place to the home — but in a
loving way. Encourage the
husband to become involved
and then ensure his con-
tinued involvement with ver-
bal reward. Saying "thank
you" is important. So is in-
volving the children, so
they'll see the family working
as a team and see their father
sharing.
Women are warned against
perfectionism. Men complain
that their wives delegate
housework and then redo it
themselves. Dr. Renee Magid,
author of When Mothers and
Fathers Work, says that if a
wife delegates responsibility
she also has to delegate
ownership. "You have to trust
your husband and let him do
the job his way. If you don't,
you won't get very far in shar-
ing." The goal, says Dr.
Magid, an associate professor
at Beaver College, in Pennsyl-
vania, "is to create the feeling
that this is teamwork. It's im-
portant to come away feeling
like everybody wins."
This idea of teamwork may
be even harder to instill in
husbands whose spouses
work at home. While it is now
estimated that 70 percent of
working wives/mothers go out
to work each day, there is still
a hefty percentage who have
to, or choose to, work at home.
Must they automatically do
more of the second shift?
"Until recently, I was doing
all the housework. There was
no division of chores — Bob
who's a sound engineer, was
never home till late every
night. I was really a single
parent," says Jill G., 38-years-
old, an illustrator of children's
books and mother of two girls.
"I always felt my
primary role was mother, but
I also love my work. I decided,
however, to give the kids a
childhood at home with a
parent rather than pay for a
substitute or day care." Jill
does freelance projects at
home but has had to trade off
some career growth by turn-
ing down jobs that would have
interfered with her family's
needs.
A turning point in their
schedule came two years ago,
when the family moved into a
much larger house. "I needed
Bob's help to maintain the
house, and I wanted the girls
to see their father helping
me," says Jill. When she
started asking her husband
for help, she got it, but only
gradually. "For the past two
years I've been continually
communicating and negoti-
ating. Bob is much more in-
volved now in parenting and
chores. When he comes home
I know I can go off duty and
leave everything to him while
I'm up in the studio working.
And I also feel that sharing
household chores is really a
major way my husband shows
he loves me. So it definitely
can affect a marriage."
One myth that was explod-
ed in the 1980s was the con-
cept of the "superwoman." In
trying to juggle a job, mar-
riage, mothering and house-
work, working women found
that no one can do it all.
In the 1990s, the trend is
the three-career couple: his
job, her job and their parent-
ing. Even when dual-career
couples have a housekeeper,
the woman still bears the
greater responsibility for
child care and household
management. So it's usually
the fast-track wife who cuts
back when the child is very
young.
Even though a younger
generation of men — par-
ticularly today's twenty-
somethings — have grown up
in households in which their
mothers worked, it does not
necessarily follow that chores
in the home will be shared
fifty/fifty.
Women have changed, the
work force has changed, but
men and the workplace have
yet to adapt to these changes.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild
doesn't place the blame sole-
ly on husbands, explaining
that men are pressured by
their wives to do more at
home, although they live in a
society where they are
measured by their success in
the workplace.
Perhaps the problem is not
so much who winds up taking
care of the household and
children, but work schedules
that are incompatible with
family life. ❑
This article first appeared in
the Philadelphia Jewish
Exponent's "INSIDE"
magazine.