I FOR SENIORS

Sybil Meyers is a housemother for
a sorority in Ann Arbor. She's been
thinking of retiring and moving
closer to her daughter and grand-
children. She found a condo, decorated
it and considered it "her place"
although she wasn't sure when she
would move in.
"I took my mother, who's in her
80s, to see the condo and she asked,
`When can I move in?' " says Meyers.
"I didn't expect that, but after getting
over my initial shock, I asked myself,
`What's the difference?' and my
mother now lives in the condo. She's
very active and refuses to think of
herself as a senior citizen.
"It took her a while to get used to
the place and to the area but she's
back on her social track. And she's
close to my daughter if there's any
problems. Now when I come in from
Ann Arbor, I have a choice. I can stay
with my daughter, or in my condo
with my mother. I'm starting to look
for another place, but it's tough
because much of my funds went for
that condo."
Adult children remain the most
important source of help to the
generally healthy elderly. But the
myth that parents and their adult
children are essentially estranged re-
mains widespread. The image of
middle-aged men and women so nar-
cissistic that they abandon their ag-
ing parents is compared to the
Eskimos who are reputed to put their
aged out on the ice to die. Yet survey
after survey demonstrates that most
adult children and parents keep in
close contact.
Sharon Scaglione's mother is an
illustration. In her early 80s, she
spends winters with her husband in
Florida, and then comes home for the
summer.

be a lot easier for them," says Nellie.
"I know it's a trip for them to pick me
up and take me home on Friday after
dinner, but I don't drive at night.
"I'm looking for a condo and even-
tually I'll find one and move, but I've
got to be comfortable with it. I think
I know what I want, and if I don't get
it, I won't take it too hard and I'll stay
where I am. My family, God bless
them, wants me to be happy and are
very concerned about me. But I've got
to believe I know what's best for me!"
Susan Friedman, Nellie's
daughter-in-law, says her husband
Melvyn was very anxious for his
mother to live closer to him, especial-
ly after her business, Unique Gifts in
Oak Park, was closed.
We looked at condos in the West
Bloomfield area, particularly since
that's where the synagogue is going

Adult children remain the most
important source of help to the
generally healthy elderly.
•••••••••••••••••••••

"She spends her summer alone, in
the Oak Park house that she's lived
in since 1954," says Sharon. "Her hus-
band, my step-father, stays in Florida.
Mother refuses to move so my brother
and sister chauffeur her all over town.
When I tell her it's a trip to get over
to her house and take her home
again, she says, 'I don't expect
anything from my children.' It drives
me insane!'

to relocate;' says Susan. "I took her
to one that she liked except that she
said the driveway was too long for her
to back out of. I had never even
thought of that aspect in what to look
for in a condo."
"We've backed off a bit now," says
Susan. "We're waiting to hear what
direction she wants to move. We know
we can't tell her what to do, but
whatever she decides, we'll be there
to support her and we've let her know
that."
Dr. David Rosenberg, who has a
family practice with a specialty in
geriatric medicine, says the time for
moving generally occurs when one of
the parents dies and the remaining
parent becomes more dependent upon
the children.
"It's a very stressful time for
both," he says. "The children are try-
ing to manage two households and
often find themselves spread too thin.
The older parent may not have a
realistic picture of where they are in
life. And to move from where they are
living means accepting that what
once was is past, and that can be very
painful."

Nellie Friedman, very active at
75, has been a widow for 12 years. She
volunteers at the Jewish Community
Center and helps run the gift shop at
Congregation B'nai Moshe.
"When I move, I want to move
closer to my children because it will

Sometimes the choices of where to
move a parent are only too clear.
Clara Barenholtz's mother took
care of her dad, who was very ill dur-
ing his later life, and finally had to
place him in a nursing home. A few
years ago, Clara noticed that her

104

FRIDAY, MAY 4, 1990

mother was becoming confused and
disoriented.
Deciding that her mother couldn't
live by herself, she helped her mother
move into a group apartment ar-
rangement in which she had a few
responsibilities. Gradually, Clara's
mother required more assistance and
a woman was hired to help. Last year,
her mother fell three times and broke
her arm.
"She never really recovered and
it's sad;' says Clara. "She has dimen-

tia and she's living in a nursing home.
She doesn't remember her grand-
children and keeps asking me about
Dad. It's very sad and painful. I had
to take over although I didn't want to.
My mother has always handled her
own affairs. It's especially sad because
she knows she's not acting right and
she doesn't like it."
Many adult children call upon
Jewish Family Service for help for
their elderly parents.
Rozanne Sedler, social worker at
JFS, says the first thought is to offer
as many supportive services as possi-
ble so that the older parent can main-
tain their independence and live
separately from their children. This
can mean transportation, home care,
meals and counseling.
"We find that the biggest fear of
the elderly is their concern of what
happens to them when they lose their
independence," says Sedler. "We try to
help them maintain their in-
dependence at whatever level. When
the time comes, that the parent is
unable to function independently,
even with services, and safety is a fac-
tor, then we consider other alter-
natives. Our advice is to take the
moves as slowly as possible!'
According to Sedler, it's very
upsetting for the elderly to see what's
happening to their peers, their friends
and family. The notion of living in a
nursing home is frightening.
"They prefer to stay where they
are as long as they can;' says Sedler,
"because that's where they're comfor-
table regardless of how far away their
kids are. Unfortunately, they usually
move when some crisis takes place
which brings home the fact that life
is not staying the same."
Madelyn Liss is finally relaxing
after 10 years of stress and drama.
When her father died in 1977,
Madelyn's mother came to live with
her for three years.
"I thought it would be good, and