Moving an elderly parent is
a complex, anxious decision
for the entire family.

RUTHAN BRODSKY

Special to The Jewish News

t was probably my idea that
Mother should move from the
house and look for a condo. She
was talking about redecorating
the house and I thought it
didn't make sense spending time or
money for a place in which I assum-
ed Mother would be out of in two
years at the most.
Besides, Mother seemed to be get-
ting just a bit more frail. It was
harder for her to use the porch steps
and she was complaining more about
the responsibilities of keeping up the
house.
Mother and I talked about moving
for months. After a while, it appeared
she was ready to take the giant step.
Mother accompanied the real
estate agent and me on our second

I

"Older people won't directly tell you
what they want."
realtor Howard Novetsky

;--

trip and I found out that she wanted
to be close to busy streets so that she
could walk and not feel isolated. I also
learned that she preferred a place
similar in size to where she lives now,
not something smaller.
After a few more appointments
and a myriad of phone calls, Mother
told us she was staying right where
she was. Moving was not part of her
plans.
"Change is my biggest concern,"
explains Mother. "I'm comfortable
where I am now. I know how to get to
wherever I have to go. The
neighborhood may be changing but I
feel safe where I am. I don't have to
make a change at my age."
Howard Novetsky, an agent at
ERA Rymal Symes in West Bloom-
field, says that adult children don't
always know what their parents
want.
"My job is be a good listener and
to make sure I ask the right questions
when I'm showing places to people,"
says Novetsky. "Lots of times older
people won't directly tell you what
they want and you could be showing
them the wrong kinds of homes. Then
there are times when the child finds
out she's been looking for the wrong
kind of place and it's a complete sur-
prise. The parent wants something
else."
Dr. Stuart Markovsky, a dentist,

will be looking for a condo this spring
for his mother when she returns from
Florida.
"My dad retired about eight years
ago and we wanted the folks to move
from their condo and be closer to us,"
explains Markovsky. "But then Dad
died and things were put on hold.
Last fall someone made an offer on
her condo and she closed the deal. She
stayed with us a few days and then
went to her place in Florida for the
winter.
"I thought it would have been
good if she had bought something
before she left, but that wasn't to be.
She figures we'll have places lined up
for her to choose from when she
returns."
The Markovskys are looking, but
not too agressively because they
know if they find something they
can't hold it until his mother returns.
"It's frustrating and I get impa-
tient sometimes," says Dr. Markovsky.
"Then I feel guilty, especially when
I see this 80 year old man come to my
office. He has Alzheimer's and his son
brings him in. I respect his son so
much for he shows how much we can
give to our parents. Seeing this pa-
tient and his son sometimes embar-
rasses me for the way I sometimes
behave toward my mother."
My mother says that too often
when the kids help an older parent,
it's only the kids who feel better.
"They help buy the new condo
and furniture and set their mother up
in a good area;' she says. "Then they
forget about the person because they
feel good about setting her up and
she's on her own. Maybe we don't
move because we think it's good for
our children to be a little anxious
about us. That way they won't forget."
"Moving an elderly parent is
tough on the whole family," says Dr.
Alicia Tisdale, a child and family
psychologist. "Many times the
children push too soon, or the parent
waits too long. I was a bit more
fortunate.
"When my dad died, it was a
period of terrible adjustment for my
mother but no matter what we said,
her reply was that she would sell the
house when she was ready, in another
year or so. And that's just what she
did.
"We knew when it was time to let
go. Her move ended an era in her life
as well as an era in our lives. But
what she was telling us is that she
didn't want people to take over her
life. She was still in control."

THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

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