Seder: A Model For Parent-Child Interaction

By RON WOLFSON

In a recent visit to the Detroit
community, Ron Wolfson, Director of
the Whizen Institute for the Family
at the University of Judaism shared
some important insights about
parents as the Jewish teachers of
their children. Below are his
thoughts about the Passover seder
as one of the most important
teaching opportunities for parents.
This and much more can be found
in "The Hadassah Magazine Jewish
Parenting Book" edited by Roselyn
Bell and published by the "Free
Press" as well as in "The Art of
Jewish Living."

Parents are the most important
Jewish teachers our children will
ever have. The Jewish environments
we create in our homes are the
most powerful Jewish classrooms
our kids will likely experience.
The seder is the Jewish family
experience par excellence. It is, in
fact, one of the most carefully
constructed educational activities
ever designed. As a model of
parent-child interaction, it has no
equal. For any parent looking for
the key ingredients of any excellent
Jewish family activity, one need look
no further than seder night.
Here, then, are ten elements of
family learning experiences to be
found in the Passover seder:

1. A purpose. Why are you
having this Jewish family activity?
What do you hope will happen — to
your children and to you? "To me?"
you ask. Yes, for without your
commitment and involvement,
Jewish family activities will be
nothing but a show for your kids.
Jewish life must be important to the
parent first; parents decide the
quality and intensity of the Jewish
home environment. It is from your
example that children learn to
model Jewish behavior and acquire
a Jewish identity.
What's the goal of the Passover
Seder? The seder explicitly sets out
to put Jewish teaching back into the
hands of parents, by creating the
setting and the structure for us to
"tell your children on that day,
saying, "It is because of what God
did for me, when I went free out of
Egypt" (Exodus 13:8).
2. A place. Model and
community sedarim notwithstanding,
the seder is supposed to take place
in the home, not the synagogue. In
many families, preparation for
Passover involves the entire
household, centering on the kitchen
and culminating at the dining-room
table.
The location of any family
activity is very important. The usual

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place for a seder is a formal dining-
room table, often a crowded and
uncomfortable setting. As any
parent of a young child knows, it is
extremely difficult for the kids to sit
still for any length of time in such
an environment. Why not consider
conducting the first part of the
seder in the comfort of the living
room or den? Try a Sefardic-style
setting by placing the seder plate
on a central coffee table and having
your guests seated on the couches
or on the floor, bolstered with
pillows.
3. A time. The seder is held at
a specified moment: dinnertime.
Could it be that dinner and bedtime
have always been the best times for
parent-child interaction? The
traditional seder begins at the
dinner hour and lasts long into the
evening, when tired children go to
bed.
4. A plan. the seder, as an
educational experience, comes
complete with a surefire lesson
plan, proven effective in millions of
seder "classrooms" over
generations of use: It is called the
Haggadah. Like any good lesson
plan, it is adaptable to individual
needs and circumstances.
5. Activities. We've got the
setting, the time, and the lesson
plan. Now what are we going to do?
What things are parents and kids
going to interact with? Here the
genius of the rabbis-cum-parent-
educators who created the seder
experience is fully revealed. The
seder is a multisensory
extravaganza with something for
every kind of learner — food, drink,
songs, symbols, text study,
simulations, ritual actions — all
designed to tell the story and to
place the learner in the middle of
the action.

Puzzle
Answer

6. Materials. It is often helpful
for parents and children to -interact
using some object — a book, a
game, a recipe. On the subject of
recipes, one of the great activities of
Passover is preparing the symbolic
foods. Kids especially look forward
to making haroset, the sweet
mixture of apples, cinnamon, honey,
nuts and wine that symbolizes the
mortar the Israelite slaves used to
make bricks in Egypt. The kitchen
can be a wonderful classroom for
Jewish parent-teachers and their
children.
7. Fun. Fun is one of the most
important ingredients of great
parent-child interactions. Having fun
doesn't just happen; you have to
work at it. Having fun comes not
only from wonderful activities to
share, but from a certain kind of
attitude. As serious as the Passover
Seder is as a religious experience,
the best seder is one which is
joyful, relaxed, and yes, fun. Humor
is a great asset in a seder leader.
The seder is a festive evening, and
a light touch can create a warm and
inviting atmosphere.

8. Participation. Any great
family activity has something for
everybody. Think, carefully about
what each member of the family
can contribute to the seder
preparation and service. Give each
person specific assignments —
foods to prepare, parts of the
ceremony to lead, texts to read,
things to do. It is the notion of
shared experience that builds family
memories.

9. Questions.The core of the
seder is questions: Why do we eat
only matzah? Why do we recline?
Why do we dip twice? What is
maror? What does all this mean to
you? The questions are designed to

stimulate the telling of the story, to
explicate the reasons for Passover,
to lead to an understanding that,
indeed, we are redeemed from
Egypt.
So, too, question asking is a
key element in the Jewish parent-
child interplay. We parents are not
professional Jewish educators; we
may be unsure of our facts, our
knowledge. But every good teacher
understands that he loses nothing
by answering a question with, "I
don't know, but I'll find out." There
may be questions our children ask
for which we do not know the
answer. There may even be
questions for which there is no
answer — for example, "Why is
there evil?" Yet questions are at the
heart of the educational process,
and the more questions we ask, the
more we will learn. One of
Judaism's great strengths is to
encourage questions, to allow for
differences of opinion and practice,
and to enable all of us to follow a
personal path of learning and
observance.
10. Preparation. It may seem
strange to find preparation at the
end of our list, but it really is not.
For without preparation, without the
conscious attempt to create the
setting, the plan, the materials, and
the activities, memorable parent-
child interactions will not happen.
Shared learning experiences don't
just happen. Great activities, great
lessons, great Jewish holidays take
planning and preparation.
It takes effort to raise a Jewish
family, but it is an effort with
immeasureable payback. It is our
best hope for giving ourselves and
our children the gift of a Jewish
family filled with learning, meaning,
identity, fun and memories that will
last a lifetime.

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