I OPINION I
CONTENTS
Please Don't
Call me liebbetzin'
ELAINE KAHN
I
t's been more than seven
years since my husband
was ordained as a Conser-
vative rabbi. I cannot count
the times since then that I've
been asked, by family, friends
and strangers, "what is it like
to be a rebbetzin?"
My answer — that I am not
one — has never varied.
And has seldom penetrated.
I am a writer. That's tough
enough, thanks.
I was a writer long before I
met Larry who, at the time
we met and married, intend-
ed to become a professor of
Jewish history. I have long
since stopped resenting, even
in jest, the friend who
redirected him to the rab-
binate — he's a very good rab-
bi and, so far, that hasn't
I'm not uninvolved.
I'm just not public.
driven him out of the pulpit
(by and large, I think, only
the more mediocre or most
political can survive in the
pulpit for long). But I haven't
stopped resenting the imposi-
tion of "rebbetzin" on me or
"rabbinic family" on us and
our children.
There are women who are
perfectly comfortable with
"rebbetzin," the stereotypes it
carries and the particular
way it is interpreted in their
individual communities. My
quarrel is not with them —
it's a choice they made. It is
not my choice.
I do choose to know what's
going on. Larry's shul, con-
gregants and general com-
munity involvements con-
sume many hours of our con-
versations weekly. He
bounces ideas off me, shares
the news.
I'm not uninvolved — I'm
just not public. But this is
unacceptable, as I've been
told more than once. In-
evitably, some have waved the
spectre of contract renewal in
my face — which would be a
very effective scare tactic if I
had qualms about my
marriage.
I'm told that, if I am out
there more, people will get to
know me. I doubt I've been
able to convince even one per-
Elaine Kahn, a freelance
writer and broadcaster living
outside Toronto, Ontario,
writes a column for the
Canadian Jewish News.
son that the opposite is true.
If forced to be something
other than what I am, that's
the something they'll get to
know and the real me will be
even more inaccessible.
I'd like to develop my
Jewish knowledge and also
see whether I am able to
reach a much higher level of
religious feeling than I have
now. I am not a shul-goer —
I might like to see whether I
could develop into one. But all
this potential growth is
stunted by the demands of the
honorific-by-association, "reb-
betezin."
I felt it keenly this Rosh
Hashanah. Like everyone
else, I was hoping to have the
proper kavannah (or spiritual
concentration) to leave the old
year and enter the new in the
proper clean spirit. But I
knew the reality was that I
was in shul on display as rab-
bi's wife, to be seen, to smile
and to remember names. I left
empty — and as quickly as
possible.
What's worst is the intru-
sion into our married life, in-
to our very relationship. I
know that some people see
my refusal to be "rebbetzin"
as a sign I don't love my hus-
band (which was also how my
mother-in-law viewed the fact
I use my own surname).
I take a lot of pleasure in
Larry's accomplishments and
bow to no one in my love and
respect for him, but I don't
think of him as "rabbi" nor
does he want me to.
And he doesn't think of me
as a "rebbetzin."
He married a specific per-
son, not an infinitely
malleable entity, and that
person has neither the Judaic
background to be a really
knowledgeable rebbetzin, the
shul-going fervor to be an ac-
tive one nor the inclination to
mother either a congregation
or its rabbi.
The spouses of many of our
rabbi friends have naturally
taken on the nurturing social
functions so important to rab-
binic career health. I prefer to
treat Larry as a responsible
adult — if he forgets what
kind of surgery Ms. Schwartz
had two years ago or that you
must never seat the Kleins
near the Goldmans, it's not
up to me to have to remind
him. Although I do remind
him if I think of it.
I've been told often that
"rebbetzin" is a type of honor
and I know lay people believe
it is. But, when it's not
Continued on Page 10
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Unorthodox Approach
24
GARY ROSENBLATT
An observant Jew leads
the Jewish Welfare Federation.
40
MOVIES
Confronting
The Holocaust
TOM TUGEND
Three new movies grapple
with issues of human drama.
50
FOCUS
24 Something Old,
Something New
SUSAN GRANT
The Morris JCC
is rejuvenating.
SPORTS
Beating Them
At Their Own Game
53
JIM SHEA
Israeli star Nadav Henefeld
is shaking Big East basketball.
BUSINESS
Campfire Exchange
40
59
SUSAN WELCH
Summer camp has become
a multi-million dollar business.
65
ENTERTAINMENT
Stringing Along
KENNETH JONES
Gabe and Miriam Bolkosky
speak the same language.
87
AROUND TOWN
Helping Hand
Yad Ezra has opened
to help the hungry.
DEPARTMENTS
45
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88
Community
Fine Arts
For Seniors
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Engagements
92
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121
Births
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Education
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Obituaries
CANDLELIGHTING
87
5:48 p.m.
Friday, February 16, 1990
Sabbath ends Feb. 17 6:51 p.m.
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
7