SINGLE LIFE

Why Jewish Men
Don't Date Jewish Women

II

was asked recently
to speak to a Jewish
singles group on the
topic, "Why Don't Jew-
ish Men Go Out With
Jewish Women?" This ques-
tion, despite its ornery built-
in assumptions, apparently
gets batted about in the
singles scene.
One thing that is wrong
with the question, of course,
is that Jewish men do go out
with Jewish women. Not on-
ly do three out of five Jews,
even in our beknighted times,
still marry Jews, but many
sports clubs, business and
professional networks, as well
as synagogues and Jewish
community centers, are
crowded with young and not-
so-young Jewish men and
` , women looking for a Jewish
social network. Not to men-
tion Jewish singles groups
such as the one I spoke to.
/.-
Beyond that, I had to
answer the question with a
question: Why would Jewish
men date Jewish women?

After all, American culture
encourages us to ignore and
even rid ourselves of ethnic
distinction. When I taught
college several years ago,
many students would insist in
class discussions that the
solution to inter-ethnic con-
flict (and therefore, though
they didn't say it, to their
discomfort with their own
ethnicity) would be merging
into one culture. Most of my
Jewish students, raised in the
"general" community, attend-
ing public schools and
socializing with the "general"
culture, felt no particular
reason to cultivate their
separateness. Many, perhaps
most, Jews, that is, continue
to be trained by American life
(and by the absence of an
authentic Jewish community)
to date and marry non-Jews.
Given the millieu, it is a kind
of natural process.
But the most deeply per-
nicious assumption of the
question seems to be that
Jewish men don't go out with

The reasons
given may
tell more
about
the former
than
the latter

DAVID MARGOLIS

Special to The Jewish News

Jewish women because there
is something wrong with
Jewish women. Do Jewish
men really reject Jewish
women for cause?
Many do, apparently.
"American Jewish women,"
one good-looking college-
educated Jewish man of 30
told me, "are crass,
materialistic, neurotic." And
non-Jewish women? Ah, non-
Jewish women. He listed "im-
mediate, uncomplicated,

unlayered, easy-going, fun-
loving. They are," he conclud-
ed, "like the Girl in the Beer
Commercial."
The search for the un-
complicated and easy-going
Girl in the Beer Commercial
suggests, I have to say, what
is wrong, not with Jewish
women, but with American
Jewish men. I personally am
familiar with the ambition
my respondent expressed. In
years long gone by, while
grappling with my American
birthright, I fell in love with
the image of, and then went
looking for, what I called in
my own dreamy fantasy "The
California Girl," a blond form
of delicatessen I had not met
on the streets of dreary New
York, but had seen and long-
ed for in movies, commercials
and magazine articles. The
vision of The California Girl
and of a smooth, un-
complicated life that would
transform my leaden New
York Jewish neuroses into
gold was, in fact, part of the

dream baggage that brought
me to California 20 years ago.
I spent several years of my
life searching for this mythic
creature. Looking back now, I
see that my inner urge was to
turn off a part of myself and
to become uncritical, unan-
alytical, unintellectual; to
forget history and family,
bury my personal pain and
give new birth to myself as a
cool American guy, no longer
a separated outsider, but just
an American. I wanted, in
short, to be the Guy in the
Beer Commercial.

It seems, I think now, a lit-
tle like the motivation for
joining a cult.

In the end, I found a Jewish
woman whom I liked precise-
ly because she was complex,
imaginative, sensual and
knew how to have a conversa-
tion on many levels and
because I recognized myself
very deeply in her. Saved from
myself, it is hard for me now
to understand what could be

THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

97