I SINGLE LIFE 1

SINGLES

Flirting

Continued from preceding page

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two people communicate
something, Slaim says.
"It's very important to try
to be sensitive to the other
person as you are ap-
proaching them," she ex-
plains. "If a man or woman
approaches another person
and the other person seems to
back away or shift, then the
approach is too strong, and
the person needs more space.
"As many approaches as
there are, that's how many
reactions there are. You have
to be sensitive enough to alter
your approach. For example,
if a woman asks a man to
dance, it may work wonderful-
ly with a man who is shy and
he may respond with delight.
But for another man who
wants the first or an equal
move, it might not work.
"Look for the feedback and
be flexible enough to shift
gears if you have to," Slaim
recommends.
Both Fenton and Slaim ad-
vise reading books that offer
tips on making social con-
tacts. They also recommend
role-playing — acting out
your behavior and getting
feedback on it. Sometimes,
this requires going to a pro-
fessional, they both say.
Fenton also recommends
watching Johnny Carson,
who topped a survey on who
is the best socially among
celebrities. Carson uses all
the skills recommended by
Fenton — he smiles, has
humor, is respectful of others
and is a skilled listener.
It's also nice to have a good
opening line.

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FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1989

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■

One of the questions most
asked at Fenton's workshops
is for something wonderful to
say when approaching so-
meone, he says. His advice is
to stay away from the sharp
or trendy line in favor of a
more natural method.
"You might say, 'Hi, my
name is . . : or 'Hi, I'd like to
talk to you, my name is . . : or
`I've been noticing you and
think you're an interesting
person: " Fenton says. "Or,
you can use something a lit-
tle more subtle, such as 'Have
you been here before?' This is
a nice place,' or 'How do you
know so and so.' Then you can
open it up and say a little
about yourself."
"Once they've gotten ac-

Smile, be friendly and genuine.

■

quainted, that's when people
tend to say, 'What do I do
now?' " Fendon adds. "It's
usually best to give subtle
hints that you want to see so-
meone again. You might ask
the other person if they like
to do so and so and if they say
yes, that's your cue to con-
tinue. You have to fish a
little!'
When people think of flir-
ting, parties and other social
events most often come to
mind. But there are other
ways for singles to meet in
which flirting and making
social contacts does not
become the most important
issue.
Rabbi Paul Yedwab of 'Ibm-
ple Israel, says that it is
sometimes helpful for singles
to gather for other reasons.
"It can be for social action,
for a religious service, for an
intellectual speaker," Rabbi
Yedwab explains. "This helps
in terms of integration. If
there is some other purpose,
meeting each other becomes
secondary?'
"When Wendy and I were
first married in New York, we
would never set up our
friends on dates," Rabbi Yed-