TRENDS

Why Jews Intermarry

New study finds that social contacts, not Jewish education,
have the greatest influence upon Jews seeking mates. Also
that mixed marriages are more likely to end in divorce

RUTH MASON

Special to The Jewish News

ews who marry non-
Jews are twice as likely
to divorce as Jews who
marry within the religion, ac-
cording to a major new study
on intermarriage and divorce.
The finding may agree with
prevailing folk wisdom but it
surprised the study's authors,
sociologists Egon Mayer,
Barry Kosmin and Nava
Lerer.
"We thought that intermar-
riage was becoming less 4.nd
less risky as it became more
common and acceptable," said
Mayer, a sociology professor
at Brooklyn College. "We
found it's as risky as it ever
was."
Kosmin, who directs the
North American Jewish Data
Bank, pointed out that a
Jewish woman marrying an

Ihip

Irishman in 1935 faced many
more social pressures and
obstacles than her counter-
part today. But apparently,
the difficulties within these
marriages remain. If a Jewish
woman marries a Jewish man
today, she has a 17 percent
chance of getting divorced. If
she married a non-Jew, her
chances of getting divorced
jump to 38 percent.
Rabbi Rachel Cowan, co-
author with her late husband,
Paul Cowan, of Mixed Bless-
ings, a book on intermarriage,
was not surprised by the find-
ings. In workshops for inter-
faith couples that she has led
for the past eight years,
Cowan, herself a convert, has
found that the issues and
hurdles confronted by inter-
married couples loom as large
— if not larger — than ever.
In the 1930's, interfaith
couples expected difficulties.
'Ibday, they don't.

"It's because today's inter-
married couples expect there
won't be (major) differences
that they are more confound-
ed when there are," she
observed.
"The assumption (now) is
that we're all the same. But
we're not the same. I see it in
our workshops — there are
some very deep differences in
people's understanding and
world views. Jewish and non-
Jewish spouses tend to feel
differently about the impor-
tance of family. They express
emotions differently. In times
of stress, people fall back on
ethnic patterns — and they're
surprised by this.
"Jews from very enmeshed
families may be attracted to
someone who is cooler, more
controlled. At first the dif-
ferences are appealing. Later,
they may feel their spouse is
rejecting and remote. Spouses
may start to accuse each

other of lacking sophistica-
tion, or lacking empathy.
"Often, the problems arise
when children are born. What
values, traditions and family
styles will be passed on to
them? These are important
issues and if people haven't
acknowledged their differ-
ences, they won't be prepared
to deal with them."
Debbie Lieberman, 40, a
registered nurse living in
Boca Raton, Florida, ex-
perienced just what Cowan
described. The differences she
saw between the way she and
her first husband, John, a
Catholic, wanted to raise their
future children, "helped us
decide to divorce."
Lieberman said she disap-
proved of the way John's
mother was raising his six
younger brothers and sisters.
"There were no books in the
kids' rooms. No one made
sure they did their homework.

His mother was going for a
Ph.D. and didn't have time to
read to the kids or plan
organized meals. John saw
nothing wrong with that. To
my way of thinking, you don't
give up bedtime stories. The
kids come first no matter
what.
"I decided I didn't want to
have kids with John because
we didn't agree about the way
we wanted to raise them."
Two years after her divorce,
Lieberman married a Jewish
man who, like herself, is from
New York. They now have
four-year-old twins. "We had
a lot in common," she said.
"It made things easier."
Abby Jaroslow, 35, a New
York preservation architect,
didn't think twice about reli-
gious differences when she
married David Robinson, who
was raised Unitarian. "For
me, it didn't become an issue
until we had Leah," Jaroslow

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