I CONTENTS OP-ED] Can Intermarriages Be Saved By Outreach? LYDIA KUKOFF Special to The Jewish News C an we save inter- marriages by com- municating? Divorce results from a breakdown in communica- tion, as partners become unable to satisfy their own needs and the needs of their spouse. The gap grows and can't be bridged. Certainly that happens in endogamous marriages, but in marriages where partners represent two different histories, two different tradi- tions and differing but often unexpressed expectations liv- ing in relationships, there is even a greater likelihood that a difficulty in communica- tions is there from the outset, and the gap can only widen. According to the North American Jewish Data Bank, What happens when intermarried couples participate in Outreach programming designed to help them strengthen their marriage? Jews who marry non-Jews are twice as likely to get divorc- ed as those who marry Jews. In that study ("Why Jews Intermarry," Aug. 18), the researchers had thought that in time the intermarried couples would simply work out their differences, but, in fact, the statistics seem to prove that that was not what happened. The study raises many questions, but perhaps one of the most intriguing relates to the role of intervention. In 10 years of sponsoring programs for intermarried and inter- marrying couples through the Outreach program of the Reform movement, we have found that if those couples are to have a successful marriage, they must deal with their dif- ferences and work toward resolution. The issues are very complex and will not simply go away. If anything, time and the arrival of children often serve to exacer- Lydia Kukoff is the director of the UAHC-CCAR Commission on Reform Jewish Outreach. Her office is in Los Angeles. bate the differences and the difficulty. While no discussion group alone can provide the "answer," such a group can and does begin a process of ex- amination and positive com- munication for both partners, and can lessen their sense of isolation. Without such sup- port, even the most articulate and intelligent couple often can reach a point beyond which they cannot talk for fear of rocking the emotional boat. For the Jewish community, intermarriage is the ultimate "button pusher" because it goes to the heart of Jewish survival. Without any in- tervention on the part of the community, Jewish survival will be threatened. We live in an open society; intermarriage will not disap- pear. But by offering ap- propriate premarital counsel- ing to couples contemplating intermarriage, by offering discussion groups where these couples can meet in a comfortable setting with a trained facilitator to clarify their needs and their goals as a family, and by educating ourselves as a community to the complexity of the issues raised by intermarriages, I believe that we can go a long way to lessen the divorce rate. Clearly, there must be a willingness on the couple's part to engage in a process, and there must be a will- ingness on the community's part to examine an issue that makes us very uncomfortable. The danger is that we will stop at the statistics and develop a "we told you so" mentality. The study is only a beginning, a means to get us to ask ourselves even more difficult questions. What happens when inter- married couples participate in Outreach programming designed to help them strengthen their marriage? What happens if they do not feel rejected by the communi- ty? How do we reach out to the intermarried while en- couraging in-marriage? How do we deal constructively with the reality of a changing Jewish community and create from what is often a bewilder- ing, contradictory, scary welter of anecdotes, trends and statistics a blueprint for the creative and vibrant sur- vival of the Jewish people in- to the 21st century and beyond? ❑ AJPA Op-Ed Service. CLOSE-UP Chipping Away At The Old Guard 24 ZE'EV CHAFETS Who's who in Israel's next generation of leaders. 54 SPORTS Looking To 1990 24 RICHARD PEARL Maccabians are bolstered by performance in Pittsburgh. 63 Back To School/ Family CARLA JEAN SCHWARTZ, Editor From Detroit's new Reform day school to the college campus. 54 87 ENTERTAINMENT Hats Off STEVEN M. HARTZ Doug Gorenstein reaches new heights on his climb toward stardom. SINGLE LIFE The Fax Of Romance 110 ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM How one man uses modern technology to make old-fashioned love. DEPARTMENTS 87 28 32 42 48 52 Inside Washington Media Monitor Synagogues Education Business 99 116 121 125 146 Travel Engagements Births Classified Obituaries CANDLELIGHTING 110 7:50 p.m. September 1, 1989 Sabbath ends Sept. 2 8:56 p.m. THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS 7