FINALLY!!!
IT'S TIME FOR
Reserve Duty Makes
The Heart Grow Fonder
NECHEMIA MEYERS
Special to The Jewish News
R
ehovot — "A stretch of
reserve duty in the
army can do wonders
for a troubled marriage," says
Ramat Gan psychologist and
marriage counselor Uri
Segev.
"When a husband and wife
are in constant conflict,"
Segev explains, "a husband's
forced departure for a month
gives both him and his spouse
a chance to gain some sense
of perspective, perhaps to
realize that what separates
them is less significant than
what unites them."
Segev also sees potential
benefits stemming from the
fact that the husband has a
month with the boys, during
which he can horse around,
tell dirty jokes and pretend
that he is a carefree bachelor
once again. This often serves
to recharge his batteries in
preparation for a return to
the responsibilities and
restrictions of married life.
Reserve duty, however, is by
no means an unmitigated
blessing for the family. It cer-
tainly places great burdens
on the wife and tends to
- create anxiety among the
children, who are fearful that
something might happen to
their father, particularly if he
is called up at a time of actual
conflict.
The possibility of extra-
marital adventures also ex-
ists, but at least with Segev's
patients, a period of reserve
duty has sometimes con-
tributed to patching up a
marriage, never, on its own,
has it destroyed one.
While Dr. Segev's clientele
comes from all strata of
Israeli society, he attracts a
particularly large number of
religious people, perhaps
because, being observant
himself, they feel more at
home with him. This is par-
ticularly important with the
ultra-Orthodox, for whom
consulting a psychologist is
ordinarily taboo. And when
they do seek psychological
help, they will go to a distant
town in order to ensure that
their friends and neighbors
don't learn of their
"disgraceful behavior."
The criteria for a successful
marriage among the ultra-
Orthodox differ from those
common in other strata of
Israeli society. Couples don't
expect to have a lot in com-
mon, or to provide compa-
nionship for one another.
What counts is their ability to
fulfill their specific respon-
sibilities, the man as a
scholar and/or provider, the
woman as a housewife and
mother.
Yet when all is said and
done, outside influences do
sometimes reach the ultra-
Orthodox, and may prompt
married couples, when sexual
tensions are overwhelming, to
consult a psychologist. But if
the psychologist is to help
them, he must take their
special mores into account.
As Dr. Segev notes, contem-
porary sexual therapy — bas-
ed on the theories of Masters
and Johnson as well as of
Kaplan — involves several
months of day-to-day sexual-
ly significant contact, rang-
ing from embraces to inter-
course. But this is quite out of
the question for observant
couples, who being governed
by the laws of niddah, must
avoid intimate contact just
before, during and just after a
woman's period of
menstruation.
So in order to avoid a com-
plete collapse of the
therapeutic process, the
psychologist treating them
must, during those two
weeks, deal with other,
nonsexual areas of conflict in
the marriage. This slows
down therapy, but, according
to Segev, it can still be
effective.
It would seem logical to
assume that the economic,
political and military
pressures to which Israelis
are constantly subjected
would contribute to marital
instability and to Dr. Segev's
case load. But, if divorce rates
are any indication, Israeli
marriages are actually more
stable than those in many
other, more tranquil coun-
tries. Here, less than one mar-
riage in five ends in divorce;
in Denmark and Sweden, the
rate is over three in five.
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Hadassah Elects
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Chicago — Annette Meskin
of Southfield was re-elected to
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