I FAMILY/SCHOOL Loving Doting, Jewish Mothers Despite what comedians say, the old- fashioned Vewish mother" knew a thing or two about helping kids thrive , Marsha Mitnick holding her six-month-old daughter, Emily. JULIUS SEGAL 1141 of long ago, our daugh- ter, Becki, encountered a mother's dilemma. Her six-year-old son, Aaron, asked if she would delay for an hour picking him up after school. He wanted to join a fellow first grader in a visit to the community center across the street from his school. Becki's response was outwardly calm. "Yes," she answered, "but be careful crossing the street." Here was a sensitive boy's first step toward independence and autonomy, and she was not about to block it. But inwardly Becki felt the agonizing clutch of anxiety. What if, by the time he gets there, the cross- ing guard has already left her sta- tion? Suppose the other kid cops out, and Aaron remains alone and aban- doned? And what if, God forbid, a child molester should suddenly appear? Becki's resolution was in the classic tradition of the hovering 60 '-'FRIDAY, ,AUGUST26- ,1988 "Jewish mother" of my own youth. She gave her son a list of safety dos and don'ts to live by as he left for school on that fateful day. She drove to a point near the school and unob- trusively watched her precious son safely brave the crossing. And she asked (no, ordered) a friend who work- ed at the community center to keep an eye out for Aaron during his perilous hour outside her safekeeping. In recent years, such impassioned maternal behavior has been out of fashion. Indeed, this type of mother — often not only protective, but demanding, self-sacrificing, upward striving — has been the subject of derision by, among others, psychiatrists, comedians, and novelists. The result has been _ a stereotyped mother figure — no mat- ter what her actual ethnic background, religion, or race — who stands indicted for producing nothing but psychological problems in her children. How does that popularly accepted judgment stand up? How bad for the mental health of children actually dings suggest otherwise. Babies tend was the much-maligned Jewish to grow more compliant when their mother — or the Italian, Irish, Puer- distress signals — crying, fussing, to Rican, German, Chinese, or any unhappy facial expressions — are other mother — who was so constant- responded to promptly. In contrast, ly obsessed with the welfare and suc- they continue to whine and cry and cess of her young? become even less compliant when their calls are slow to be answered or "Overprotective" or are ignored altogeher. responsive? lb begin with, there is little evidence that the ever-present, sheltering "Momma" was all that bad for her kids. On the contrary, her in- stinct for on-the-spot responsiveness to the needs of her little ones, starting from birth, appears to have been pro- foundly wise. At the University of Virginia, psychologist Mary D. Salter Ains- worth and her associates studied mother-infant relationships at home. Some mothers responded promptly when their babies cried. Others did not, often failing to do so because they held the belief — still quite common — that to respond would be to "spoil" the child. But the researchers' fin- Moreover, contrary to the popular view, the researchers found that answering the baby's bids for atten- tion does not interfere with the development of independence. Tender and indulgent mothers, long thought by many to make the baby reluctant to "cut the cord" and explore the world, have just the opposite effect. Their little ones, feeling securely at- tached to a tuned-in guardian, also feel secure in venturing outside Mother's protective shadow to test their own capacities. Renowned psychoanalyst Erik Erikson conclud- ed that all children need to learn just such a feeling of trust, the conviction that "somebody is there," in order to survive on their own.