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I 855-0480 I

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349-2515

40

FRIDAY; .JULY 15, 1988 - -I

I LIFE IN ISRAEL

BABY WORLD & TEENS

Dearborn
Troy
East Detroit Westland
22022
510 W.
18029
34520
Michigan Oakland Mall 8 Mile Rd. Ford Rd.
565-9200 585-0440 777-9770 326-6110

I

Divorce

Continued from preceding page

tional Jewish community
with its strong leadership."
Although the experts be-
lieve marital discord is on the
rise among the Orthodox, at
the extreme right of the ultra-
Orthodox spectrum, where
marriage is seen as a holy
task that is assumed at age
18 or 19 in order to procreate,
there is understandably little
marital conflict.
"In such marriages there
are no expectations and no
aggravations — period," says
Dr. Haim Lifshitz, a rabbi-
psychologist who says he has
treated 6,000 to 8,000
couples. "They believe love
will only dissipate your mind
from the main purpose of hav-
ing children. The only ques-
tions are, is she religious
enough and does she share
your ideals?"
But couples who expect
marriage to provide romance
and love as well as chil-
dren — which is by far the
majority of American-raised
Orthodox and ultra-Orthodox
men and women — have more
difficulty at making marriage
work.
According to Perlmutter,
the problem begins before
marriage. "The girls study in
schools where they have such
unrealistic notions of male-
female relationships," he says.
"They want to be 'turned on'
just like secular girls —
instant romantic love — but
they are unable to come to
grips with the reality that
relationships need to be
worked on and take years to
develop."
Perlmutter blames in part
the courtship system, which
requires a girl to reject a guy
after two or three meetings:
"Each meeting becomes a
mini-marriage — this is it or
not it."
For their part, ultra-Ortho-
dox men face a serious iden-
tity problem. They come to
marriage with no job, no
degree, no source of income
and then rely on their wives
for financial support as they
sit and learn in kollel.
In ultra-Orthodox com-
munities like Telzstone,
Matesdorf and Bnei Brak, the
men are most often the ones
who bring the children to
kindergarten; they are the
ones standing in line at the
"makolet" (grocer) to buy the
morning's bread and milk. lb
the casual observer, this
might seem a sign that
women's liberation has ar-
rived even here, but to
Perlmutter it is another in-
dication of the man's dimin-
ished stature.
"The women have to be at
work, someone expects them
to be there by 8 a.m. They're
important. They get a pay-
check," Perlmutter says. "The

men don't have to be at kollel
(yeshiva for married men) at
any set time."
Though scholarship is re-
spected, most of the hus-
bands are not proficient
enough to render halachic
decisions on their own —
"How can they be if they're at
the makolet." — So they don't
earn their wives' respect at
that level either.
"The women bring home
the paycheck and have the
power. In turn, they get
household servants with
beards," Perlmutter says.
Newly observant couples
face special problems that
arise from not having role
models after which to pattern
themselves, and religious
couples who are new immi-
grants face the stresses of
leaving behind family and
trying to adapt to Israel.
"In America she was valu-
able as a speech therapist;
here, she doesn't speak
Hebrew," Perlmutter ex-
plains. "He now feels the full
burden of supporting the
family. All the normal pat-
terns are broken, including
sexual ones."
The picture of marriage in
Israel's exclusively ultra-
Orthodox shtetls must also
include the experts' assess-
ment that problems linked to
alcohol or drug abuse are rare.
And physical abuse, though
more widespread than is
believed, is not as common
among the Orthodox as
among the secular. The men
want to be good husbands,
but in many cases have dif-
ficulty- understanding what
their wives want of them.
As a veteran marriage
counselor, Shulem suggests
that they key to a successful
marriage is not marrying in-
to a "good' family or finding
a girl with the right religious
training, but being willing to
assume responsibility for the
relationship.
"I tell my kids to look for
someone who isn't weird, is
attractive and has `yirat
shamayim' (fear of God),"
Shulem says. "I pound into
their heads- that no matter
who you choose, the only
criteria is how much you are
willing to invest to make it
succeed. The rest is com-
mentary."
But, Shulem adds, the
yeshiva system has failed to
prepare its students for mar-
riage. "The yeshiva has to
reenter the real world and
redefine `avodat hashem'
(worship) as being dedicated
to the creation of healthy,
happy Jewish homes, which is
where the `shehina' (Divine
presence) dwells since the
lemples' destruction."
"If there were only a few
problems, I'd say the system
is fine and treat the people