28 Buick Reattas Available for immediate delivery and external conflict. "In some ways, modern women may be better off," Shulem says. "Their place is the work plate." Orthodox couples don't have some of the coping mechanisms that are avail- able to secular couples during times of stress. Separation, for instance, isn't really an option since the community doesn't support it. In fact, in many cases even divorce isn't an option. "There are two kinds of divorce," Shulem explains. "Actual divorce and the threat of divorce. Actual divorce is rare because it isn't an option." "The woman is usually fed up with her husband and her marriage. She wants more from the relationship." The reasons are simple: 35- year old mothers of five children are not considered very eligible in Orthodox circles, and men have veto power in the Bet Dins (religious courts) that issue divorce decrees. "The threat of divorce, unlike suicide, isn't that serious," Shulem says. "It has to do with the legal status of women in divorce court. All a man has to say is 'no' and that's the end of the pro- ceedings." Most wives sense that their husbands aren't afraid of divorce. They feel hurt and angry and end up dragging their husbands to marriage counselors like Shulem. "In a thousand couples I ask the husbands why they came, and they all look at their wives," smiles Shulem. But many Orthodox men . are not receptive to counsel- ing. They take an authori- tative stance, turning to halacha and Bible to support their behavior."When he's pressured emotionally he turn to `psukim' (verses)," Shuleirii 'explains. While both the husband and wife have a history of be- ing hurt and disappointed, the husbands are more willing to say "I'm sorry, let's start again." Women usually are not willing to let it go at that. "Women are walking calen- dars and have a mental shop- ping list of all the belittling comments made in 15 years of marriage," Shulem says. In one exercise Shulem uses in his counseling, he tells the wives to imagine that they have the ability to take revenge on their husbands, enough so they can say "we're even. They are told to go home and think about what it would take to reach that point. "They come back and say 'there's nothing that can be done, it just wouldn't do it. They feel they've been ripped off: A Bnei Brak woman, whose children were grown and gone after 25 years of marriage and who complained that her hus- band was "such a nebesh," accepted Shulem's sugges- tion — after consulting with her rabbi — that she sit shiva for her marriage. "She mourned the loss of a marriage. Sitting shiva al- lowed her to declare herself hurt, to admit it was never going to get fixed up and drawing blood every other week from her husband wasn't going to help," Shulem says. "She told people who came to visit her, 'I'm mourn- ing a dream of marriage and what will never be.' " Neither her children nor the neighbors were surprised that the marriage was not a hap- py one and when she got up from shiva, she felt free of anger and hatred. Incredibly, the couple went under the chuppah again in a second marriage ceremony and made a new start at their relationship. There is no doubt that couples who observe the laws of `nidda," which impose a complete ban on physical con- tact during menstruation and a week after, are at an advantage. "Nidda helps a couple in stress," Shulem explains. "The woman doesn't have to say no. It is the major mechanism to teach men to stay close but to be far away." But the Orthodox today lack the strong community support that the European shtetl provided. According to Jerusalem psychologist Yis- rael Perlmutter, the shtetl had a "bonding" effect on couples. "If a wife felt she was being mistreated or ignored, she could turn to the town `dayan' (judge) or rabbi, who would immediately summon the husband and call him to task:' Perlmutter says. "But the past 70 years or so has seen breakdown in the tradi- ' Only one of the nation's largest dealer-affiliated leasing companies can exclusively offer this many 1988 Reattas. "SU SSEI 29536 Northwestern Highvg Southtield, Michigan 10 - 5:45 4004S: IsA Sat '10 - 5..00 George Balls Leasing 26105 Orchard Lake Rd, *Suite 109 • Farmington Hills • 471-6875 GET BOUM REGIONAL OFFICES DETROIT, MI GRAND RAPIDS, MI KANSAS CITY, KS MAUMEE. OH RICHMOND, VA TOLEDO, OH (Corporate Headquarters) WASHINGTON, DC © 1988 George Batas Leasing. Inc. #7816 Call The Jewish News 354-6060 L 1 X II ( MI eiN SPAS or TED THE SPA WAREHOUSE WHAT'S HOT? WHAT'S NOT? HOT IN THE WINTER COOL AND REFRESHING IN THE SUMMER SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE '5995.00 FEATURING Swidarice Spas' $4595.00 ca l l or visit: ' . \ , 17, 1 ) Q l 0 1 GIVE US YOUR TIRED,YOUR POOR, YOUR ACHING MUSCLES. TH 2009 Orchard Lake Road • Sylvan Lake, MI 48053 Hours: Doily 10-5 Sunday 12-4 (313) 332-4443 —Emma Lazarus 1849-1887 E SPA WAREHOUSE THE DEIR O T J EWISF),MWS