THE DETROIT JEWISH
BLUES
JEWISH NEWS ANNUAL
mund
Pope At Helm Of
Eternal Love
Boat
Vatican City — Pope John Paul
II today denounced critics of his
plan to serve as captain of a PLO
ship setting sail for Haifa. The
Pontiff, flanked by a smiling
Yassir Arafat, said his was a
spiritual rather than a political
gesture, and that he simply
enjoyed a good cruise.
The voyage, designed to trans-
port deported Palestinians and
embarrass the Israeli
government, will take place on a
ship dubbed, "The Holy Sea."
A number of American Jewish
leaders, after flying to Rome to
meet with the Pope, issued a
carefully worded statement which
read in part: "We have been
personally informed of the
Pontiff's nautical plans. After
careful consideration and
consensus consultation, we have
voted to extend buoyant greetings
on this aquatic journey."
Waldheim
Asserts He's
From Iowa
Vienna — President Kurt
Waldheim, insisting that reports
of his knowledge of Nazi war
crimes during World War II are
false, maintains that he was not
in Europe during the war years
and that he is not Austrian.
"I am a deep-sea diver from
Iowa, and part-time Hebrew
school teacher as well," asserted
Waldheim, goose-stepping around
his office. Asked how he could
have lived as an underwater diver
in a state where there was no
water, he said, "I was
unemployed. I lived off my salary
as a Hebrew school teacher."
Confronted with the fact that no
Jewish children who grew up in
Iowa could recall him, Waldheim
shrugged and responded,
"Everyone knows being a
Hebrew school teacher is a
thankless job."
Waldheim blamed "virulent
anti-Semitism" for the fact that he
was not elected last week to the
Jewish Hall of Fame. He said he
will demand a recount and
commission a group of
international historians to look
into the matter.
SPOOF
Kosher Councils
File For JOA
Angry Southfield-Oak Park Neighborhood Project
residents have taken to the streets for the second
straight week to protest plans by B'nai Moshe and
B'nai David to move. Defiant congregants, many
using money from the local Jewish National Fund,
have begun draining swamps in West Bloomfield in
preparation for a return to the Jewish community's
newest Promised Land.
Jewish TV Evangelists
In Morality Scandal
Amid a flurry of reports of
indiscretions among Christian
fundamentalist TV evangelists,
Jewish broadcast evangelists are
bracing themselves for similar
revelations. Sources have leaked
to the news media the following
charges against members of the
TV rabbinate:
• Rabbi Ike, the popular
advocate of praying for money,
was reportedly photographed
petting an animal with split
hooves.
• The Lucky Rebbe, who
sponsors day trips to Atlantic City
casinos, has been telling his
disciples that by multiplying the
613 mitzvahs of the Torah by the
8 days of Sukkot and dividing by
the 40 days Moses spent on
Mount Sinai, they can win the
State Lottery.
• Rabbi Jimmy Joe Jacobson
of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, was
seen casting lascivious glances
at a synagogue Purim poster of
Queen Esther.
• Rabbi Chaim Chorny, was
arrested for posing as a guard at
the local Mikvah.
• Rabbi Fred, the friendly
children's show spiritual leader,
was wrestled to the ground after
he was spotting smuggling a
rubber blow-up doll of Golda Meir
into his apartment.
A petition signed by the
Women Rabbis of America
charged officials with sexism for
refusing to indict any female
rabbis, at least one of whom was
seen at a synagogue barbecue
embracing a potato kugel.
Boesky Readies
Local Service
Convicted Wall Street inside
trader Ivan Boesky has reportedly
signed a work release agreement
that will bring him to his native
Detroit to perform 15,000 hours of
community service.
Boesky is already slated to
work the Allied Jewish Campaign
phone rooms and provide
investment tips to the United
Jewish Charities Endowment
Committee. Additionally, his
sentence may include busing
tables at Elias Big Boy at Maple
and Telegraph Roads, being cast
as the male lead in at least two
Nancy Gurwin musicals at the
Jewish Community Center and
bringing new direction to the
weekly Listening Post column in
The Jewish News,
In a surprise development, the
Vaad Hakashrus and the
Metropolitan Kashrus Council
have announced they will file with
the Michigan Department of
Animal Husbandry for a joint
operating agreement.
While neither group would
declare itself a "failing
hechsher," each agreed to split
the proceeds from the annual
Vaad dinner.
The shocket's union and Mayor
Coleman Young have come out
against the proposed merger. The
Vaad and Kashrus Council have
hired Free Press Publisher David
Lawrence to handle their public
relations campaign. For his
services, Lawrence will be
compensated with unexpired
coupons from Farmer Jack.
Israel Replaces
Rabin With
Manilow
Jerusalem — Israel's Knesset,
desperate to offset the
government's negative image
regarding its treatment of
Palestinians, has tapped Barry
Manilow to replace Yitzhak Rabin
as Defense Minister.
The American crooner plans to
quell the Arab disturbances by
threatening to go from village to
village singing "Mandy" and "At
The Copa" unless the riots stop,
Arab leaders, outraged at the
maneuver which has seen
Palestinians afraid to leave their
homes, are urging that Manilow
be replaced by Rabbi Meir
Kahane or Gen. Ariel Sharon.
"Anything but those nasal, lush
ballads," moaned a PLO official.
Robertson
Revelation
Rev. Pat Robertson announced
this week that God appeared to
him in a dream and told him that
if he does not win on Super
Tuesday next week, He will
destroy the world next
Wednesday. "It's not a threat or
an effort to help my campaign,"
explained Robertson. "I just
thought folks might want to
know."