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group worked and when it was
meeting.
"I attended my first meeting and
sat like a statue," recalls Larry. "The
words wouldn't come out when I was
asked to introduce myself and tell the
group who I lost. But at the end of the
meeting I decided this was something
I needed and wanted."
The idea for the Bereavement
Support Group originated with the
rabbis at Temple Israel. They didn't
have the kind of time that parents,
spouses, and children needed follow-
ing the funeral and the shiva. They
realized that families need even more
help to cope with their bereavement
after the friends and relatives stop
visiting and the quiet settles in with
the loneliness. Their idea was to set
up some kind of service that would be
an extension of the support they
themselves provide to grieving
families. As a result, Temple Israel set
out to establish a support group led
by members of the congregation that
would provide many of the counseling
needs for most families over a longer
period of time.
Harriet Sarnoff Schiff was one of
the first people contacted by the tem-
ple. Harriet had long been recogniz-
ed as an expert on dying and grief.
She and her husband, Sander, lost
their 10-year old son to heart disease
in 1968. As a result of her loss, Har-
riet wrote the book The Bereaved
Parent (Penguin, 1977) and lectures
across the country.
"Our one prerequisite for
facilitators of the Bereavement Sup-
port Group was that they had to have
lived through the experience of losing
someone important to them — a
parent, spouse, sibling, child:" ex-
plains Harriet. "About 12 people were
asked to serve as facilitators and a
training program was established for
them."
Although the Bereavement Sup-
port Group is sponsored by Temple
Israel, participants do not have to be
members of the congregation. Or-
thodox, Conservative as well as
Reform Jews have attended support
group meetings.
A group may consist of people
having similar losses such as the loss
of a spouse, or it may be an open
group. They meet at the temple every
other week for eight sessions. If some-
one feels the need, they may par-
ticipate in a second or even a third
support group.
The facilitators are trained to
keep meetings informal in a non-
threatening environment. Each ses-
sion has an agenda with a specific
topic to be discussed.
"That doesn't mean we don't talk
about other things," remarks Barbara
Begun, one of the facilitators. "People
who suffer losses have many ques-
tions, and it's our task to help them
realize that the feelings they are ex-
periencing are normal."
According to Begun, most people
are unprepared for the intensity of
the emotions that come with grief.
Someone who has lost a child or
spouse is unprepared for the swiftness
with which moods change, and it is
hard for them to believe these are nor-
mal and common reactions.
"I was really impressed with the
facilitators of the Bereavement Sup-
port Group meeting I attended;' corn-
ments Larry. "People outside the
group were telling me what to do and
what not to do, what to keep and what
not to keep, and where to go. After a
loss like mine you shouldn't have to
think right or wrong. The facilitators
and the other members attending the
group helped me recognize that there
is no right or wrong at times like
these. They listened to me and shared
their experiences.
"Some of their words were like
pearls. Some of the feelings they ex-
Selma Eisner discusses her sorrow.
pressed were so similar to mine that
I felt like a normal person again."
Confidentiality and trust are two
important factors that make this kind
of group function says Lillian
Schwartz, a facilitator.
"We share our grief and suffering
and we ask for a commitment from
the members of our support group,"
explains Lillian. "We're not a drop-in
group. We want people to stay with it
so that together we can learn to ac-
cept the death of our loved ones. I
know I don't want to stay in my grief
period. I want to move along and stay
well."
There is a format for the
meetings. Facilitators and par-
ticipants work with manuals that
were put together by Harriet Sarnoff
Schiff. The manuals explain and
define terms often associated with
death, list words associated with
depression and are used as the start-
ing point for discussion.
The first session is a get-
acquainted meeting. Members are
asked to introduce themselves and
talk freely about who they lost and
about their feelings.
"The hardest thing is to walk in
the door for that first meeting," says
Dr. Jerry Weinberg, a facilitator.
"It's a room full of strangers, none of
whom are in a very good mood. And
as they introduce themselves you
discover that they're all at different
stages of grief.
"We often see people come in who
feel they can't go on, see no future,
and are barely able to function. As
facilitators, however, we've been
through bereavement far enough in
the past so that we can now talk
about it. I tell the group that meets
with me that I went through this. I
survived. It wasn't easy and you may
not feel like it right now, but you'll
survive, too. By the last session
they're convinced they'll make it and
live a productive life once again."
Jerry explains the support groups
are not substitutes for professional
counseling. On occasion, some people
join the group but are too devastated
to function. Facilitators will often
recommend that they seek private
help.
we're
say
don't
"We
psychologists," comments Karen
Amber. "We talk about things like,
`the Jewish holidays are coming. Have
you prepared for them? It's okay if you
feel awful at this time. It's okay to be
in despair because today would have
been your 15th anniversary.' "
Following the introductory ses-
sion, each meeting focuses on a par-
ticular theme paralleling the stages
of grief. At the second session
members discuss the funeral and talk
about their strong feelings of denial
that the loss has actually occurred.
This disbelief helps the person
become temporarily anesthetized
against the reality of the event and
protects many from their
overhwhelming pain.
The third session centers on the
anger that the survivor feels about
the person who died. "How could he
do this to me?" or "Why is this hap-
pening to me?" are comments fre-
quently heard. Participants are en-
couraged to be open with their feel-
ings so that they can learn how to
deal with them.
Dealing with the effect on how
people feel about their religion, and
the dynamics of guilt and its distruc-
tiveness are the following topics.
"People should understand the
difference between feeling guilty and
`if only,' " states Mrs. Schiff. "Most
people say they feel guilty because 'if
only' they had called more often, 'if
only' they had hugged more often, if
only, if only . . . This is normal. Guilt
is when you've done something to
harm the deceased. Then you have
cause to feel guilt. Otherwise, it's 'if
only.' "
Depression is another topic, with
discussion centering on the physical
Mark Kandel and Lillian Schwartz of the bereavement group.
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
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