Larry Chassin holds a photograph of his wife, Lexi.

Wiping. The Tears

The isolation of bereavement can be
devastating. A Temple Israel group helps
individuals through their grief

RUTHAN BRODSKY

Special to The Jewish News

L

arry Chassin still works
hard at "just trying to put
my life back together." His
38-year-old wife, Alexis, died
almost a year ago, yet the
tears still well up and spill over all too
quickly when he talks about their life
together.
"I often ask myself why?" Larry
explains, briefly pausing to swallow
hard on the emotions that were
building. "Why did she survive the
heart attack she had a few years ago,
spend two years on dialysis, almost
die from a bleeding stress ulcer and
then . . . when we finally got word
that there was a donor kidney for her

Larry stops talking and stares

24

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 1988

ahead, just for a few very quiet
seconds. "I wrestle with these
thoughts in my mind all the time," he
says as he takes a deep breath and
sighs with his whole body."
Larry is one of at least eight
million Americans who lose a relative
to death each year, and the result of
these survivors is bereavement — a
major life crisis. It's that time when
the funeral is over, the shiva has end-
ed, and the pain for the survivors
begins.
We talk about death and dying
these days; the topics are no longer
locked in the closet. But death still
provokes fear, gives us excuses to
drink, or drive too fast. Somehow,
most of our philosophies do not
envelop both the prospect and the
reality of death. Even Larry, a
sociologist armed with facts and

statistics, continues to ask, "Why did
this have to happen?"
It wasn't always like this. Once
birth and death were integral parts of
everyone's experience. Most people
died at home, comforted by friends,
relatives and close neighbors. Today,
life is more impersonal, families
smaller and more mobile. Most peo-
ple die in hospitals, youth is glorified,
aging and death still remain
distasteful subjects.
The experts tell us that coping ef-
fectively with bereavement is vital to
mental health. Mourning is the pro-
cess we go through to eventually
learn to accept a deep loss and carry
on with living. And grief, the outward
sign of mourning, is a complex com-
bination of physical and psychological
symptoms experienced after a loss.
"My wife died in January and her

birthday was in February," Larry
says. "I took Elliot, our 11-year-old
son, out of school, and we spent the
week around her birthday in Phoenix
with friends. I didn't want to be at
home for her birthday. When I got
home I was desperate, looking for
something to help me. I had dear
friends, but no one understands
what you're going through who hasn't
been through this. As a survivor you
become careful about who you talk to
because some people are not able to
respond and are uncomfortable."

Larry's parents, Burton and
Phyllis Chassin, members of Temple
Israel, told Larry about a support
group at the temple for people who
had lost a loved one. Larry was in-
terested and a facilitator from the
group called to tell Larry how the