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86 FRIDAY, NOV. 20, 1987
Unique Mixed Marriage
Created New Questions
BEN GALLOB
A
disenchanted Catho-
lic woman married an
indifferent Christian
and later converted to
Judaism. She believes her
marriage deserves a sym-
pathetic understanding,
something born Jews often
withhold from more typical
mixed marriages.
Sharon Haber, a data
systems analyst in Hun-
tington Beach, Calif., describ-
ed her journey to acceptance
of Judaism, beginning at age
16, and the impact of that
journey on herself and her
family in an article in a re-
cent issue of Sh'ma.
She pointed out that her
marriage had been nominal-
ly Christian until she con-
verted, totally unlike the pat-
tern which concerns Jewish
communal leaders — in which
a Jew, usually a male, mar-
ries a non-Jew who does not
convert.
The Haber-style mixed
marriage is rare but it does
happen. Rabbi Joseph Glaser,
executive vice president of the
Central Conference of
American Rabbis (CCAR),
said that some Reform rabbis
have told the CCAR about re-
quests to officiate at weddings
of prospective converts —
"and we discourage" the idea.
Haber agreed that it was
appropriate for a rabbi, or
even a rabbinical court, to
question how real the oppor-
tunity was for home celebra-
tion of Judaism in the pro-
spective convert's household.
But, she argued, that should
not mean that a non-Jew
seeking conversion whose
sincerity had been proven and
who had demonstrated satis-
factorily that he or she could
fulfill the obligations of a Jew,
should be denied acceptance
solely on the basis that a mix-
ed marriage would be created.
She began her account by
declaring that "the one ques-
tion I ( along with every other
convert to Judaism) am ask-
ed repeatedly is a simple one
and has no simple answer. It
is 'Why?' That question is
usually followed closely by 'Is
your husband Jewish?' People
are surprised and confused
when I say he is not."
Haber's brief history of her
growing inability to accept
basic tenets of Christianity
and her expanding acquain-
tance with intellectually and
morally attractive Jews led
her to decide gradually that
what she wanted was a
spiritual home, "a place
where I could feel comfortable
worshipping the one God in
which I believed, a faith in
which I could raise my
children with conviction and
a community of which I could
be a part." -
Judaism, as she understood
it, seemed to fit that goal. But
during conversations with a
rabbi, she discussed the
unusual problems of how her
husband, Mike, would react to
her decision by which she
would change a nominally
Christian union into a mixed
marriage and to plan for con-
sistent Jewish practices in a
nominally non-Jewish home.
She recalled that she and
Mike "literally spent hours
about how our children would
be raised as Jewish (by this
time our son was on the way),
what I wanted our (Jewish)
observances to be as regards
to kashrut, Shabbat and the
holidays and festivals and
how this would affect Mike."
Mike began attending Sab-
bath services with her from
time to time. "We attended
the temple's second night
seder and he came to the
High Holy Day services with
me. He became acquainted
with the rabbi and grew to
highly respect him. We
discussed having a bris for
our son and things such as
temple membership."
Could all this have happen-
ed if Mike had equally strong
She
views?
religious
acknowledged that "one of
the reasons it has been so suc-
cessful for us is Mike's flex-
ibility in this area," which
stemmed from the fact that
he had not been raised "with
any religious training."
As in more typical mixed
marriages, religious holidays
presented difficulties,
specifically Christmas, in
which "the problems are not
between us, but usually stem
from other friends and fami-
y."
Out of her experience, she
reported two firm conclusions.
One was that the rabbi
should be concerned about
conversion creating barriers
between husband and wife
when one spouse remains a
non-Jew, which apparvitly
was not one of her own
difficulties.
The other was that rabbis,
in approaching such issues,
should encourage the
conversion-seeker to work out
any differences within the
couple before conversion
takes place.
Copyright 1987, JTA, Inc.