SINGLE LIFE

Diana Kuper-
Lachman says
a healthy
relationship
with others
begins with
oneself

VW

ebster's Dictionary
defines "relation-
ship" in less than a
dozen words. But
Farmington Hills
psychotherapist Diana Kuper-
Lachman says it takes a lifetime to
define a relationship. Kuper-
Lachman, who teaches a series of
courses on relationships for women,
says the eight hours of classroom time
just begins to cover what a healthy
relationship is all about.
"In all our years of schooling no
one formally taught us, as women,
how to have a satisfying relationship
with a man," she said. "If we were
lucky our parents had a solid relation-
ship and we learned from the way
they treated each other and how they
related to us. Most of us, however, did
not find our parents' marriage a satis-
fying role model. We seek in self-help
books, in psychotherapy, in conversa-
tions with our friends, the answer to
the question — how can I create a
satisfying relationship with a man?"
Kuper-Lachman says that in
every relationship we have
choreographed an elaborate "dance"
with another person. "Our relation-
ships do not happen by chance," she
said. "The dance partners we choose
are in our lives to help us work out
our own issues and problems.
However, she adds that in order to
have fulfilling relationships with
others, we must first have one with
ourselves. For if we live our lives like
a masquerade ball, not sharing who
we really are with ourselves or
anyone else, we can never enjoy the
spin around the dance floor.
Satisfying relationships begin
with ourselves, she says. "Expecting
that someone else is going to make us
happy or fulfill our dreams just isn't
realistic!'
"The men in our lives aren't

"Cr)

a)
0

In Search
Of A Partner

KAREN A. KATZ

Special to The Jewish News

responsible for our happiness. Before
a woman can have a satisfying rela-
tionship, she must take responsibili-
ty for herself, have a good sense of
who she is and be able to share that
honestly with a man. It is important
to see clearly the role she plays in her
relationships . . . how are her actions
contributing to what is going on, both
positive and negative?"
Kuper-Lachman says that one's
self-esteem or lack of it affects one's

relationships and is affected by them.
One's degree of self-esteem is an im-
portant factor in choosing a partner.
People give clear spoken and
unspoken signals of how deserving
they feel of respect and regard for
their thoughts and feelings.
She says that when one operates
from feelings of low self-esteem he/she
creates a relationship where people
are unequal. Women cater to the
man, are self-effacing and hide what

they think and feel. A woman's aim
is to please, to ward off his anger or
criticism — at all costs he must not
leave! "Heaven forbid that what we
secretly feel about ourselves — our
worthlessness — will be verified by
our man, whom we have made into
the 'authority';' she said.
In her courses, "Regarding Rela-
tionships," she examines ways in
which women can be honest with
themselves in order to share their
lives with another person. Each
course runs two hours a week for four
weeks. Kuper-Lachman stresses that
the courses are neither individual
therapy nor group therapy. "In the
first class, which I call Part One, I lec-
ture. I take questions and allow time
for discussion, but it is mainly a lec-
ture course. In Parts Two, Three and
Four we go deeper into self-
exploration but it is still not therapy;'
she said.
After teaching courses on rela-
tionships and the psychology of
women since 1979 at Wayne County
Community College, Oakland Com-
munity College and Henry Ford Com-
munity College, Kuper-Lachman last
year formed her own company, Regar-
ding Relationships, and teaches in
Farmington Hills where she is af-
filiated with Woodcreek Counseling.
When women in Part One classes
clamored for more, she added Part
Two, and then expanded to Parts 3
and then 4.
In the Part One lecture series she
discusses feelings and boundaries,
dependency, anger and confrontation,
and intimacy and risk taking. In Part
Two students participate in exercises
designed to more deeply explore and
experience different feelings,
dependency, love and the language of
love learned as a child, plus sprituali-
ty. Required reading for the class is
The Road Less Traveled by Dr. M.

THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

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