Barbara Halpern talks about the need for communication skills.
Dean Smits played music for the dinner dance.
-
Coordinators of the seminar were, seated: Ceci Orman, Carol Schwartz and Janet
Leon; and standing, Joe Levine, Cheryl O'Connell and Allen Reed.
served, adding "People who try to
drown their sorrows with alcohol
soon learn sorrows know how to
swim." He emphasized his point
with a song, Wasted Away in Mar-
garitaville, about a man who forgot
his problems by drinking mar-
garitas.
Bargaining — giving each per-
son in a relationship tasks — is the
next stage. The tasks take the form
of deal-making in an effort to save
the relationship. But, Blake said,
bargaining is often fruitless. The
next step is anger, the point at
which he said he finally felt he
knew how to deal with his grief
over the end of his marriage.
"Anger is when you want to
stick your tongue out at the person
who did you wrong," he observed,
adding that when he expressed his
anger he started feeling better. To
emphasize how one feels at reach-
ing this stage he sang Thank God
and Greyhound You're Gone."
\ Finally, Blake said one knows
she/he has really taken control over
his/her life when she/he can say to
his or her ex, "Frankly, I don't give
a damn" and then stop reading the
partner's horoscope.
Upon his new-found happiness,
Blake entered the dating scene, but
had some difficulty. "Dating is so
difficult they ought to give you col-
lege credit for it," he joked. He was
critical of singles bars, and offered
dating tips to the audience: stay
busy, do fun things ("the more
death-defying, the more therapeu-
tic"); accept invitations; pamper
yourself; if you never want to be
rejected again don't date;" when
stopping a relationship do it
quickly, but maintain your dignity;
fall in love as often as you can, but
don't make love the basis of a
long-term relationship; you have
everything you need to control your
life.
Dr. Jude Cotter of Oakland
Community College and facilitator
for a workshop on "Self-Esteem and
a Positive Sexual Expression,"
echoed Rev. Blake's sentiments
that singles are in control of your
own life and master of your own
destiny." He said people in general
"conduct our lives upon what other
people think." It's all right to need
people, he said, but one should not
become a slave to them. "You have
the inalienable right to be a special
person," he advised.
Barbara Halpern, a communi-
cations specialist at Oakland Uni-
versity and director of a workshop
on "Positive Aspects of Being on
Your Own," told singles they have
the power to be happy, successful
social beings, but they have to de-
velop "connecting" skills to make
choices, choose a positive support
network and get in touch with
their own needs and desires.
Among the connecting skills,
Halpern advised focusing on the
other person, finding a commonal-
ity and "forgetting yourself." In de-
ciding upon a support group of
friends, Halpern cautioned against
drainers, clutterers and toxics, per-
sons who are only concerned with
themselves and their own well be-
ing. Instead, one should look for
enhancers. "Enhancers support you
and your value system, encourage
you and your potential and want to
hear what your goals are."
Finally, Halpern said decide
what your wants and needs are and
take action toward achieving those
goals.
Other workshop topics and
speakers were "Removing Blocks to
Loving," directed by Emmaline
Weidman, a private practitioner,
and "Single Parent Dating," con-
ducted by social worker Connie
Stephenson.
The temple's rabbi, Sherwin
Wine, himself a single, gave a defi-
nition of being in control of one's
life and a list of his own rules for
"living alone and liking it." Accord-
ing to Wine, one is the master of
his/her life when: he/she can
"choose items on their own
agenda," you feel you're heading
where you want to go," "you're able
to respond actively to problems,"
"when we make the most of what
we have."
To reach this goal, Wine said it
is sometimes necessary to suffer
some pain. One also has to take re-
sponsibility for one's own life. In
addition, some self-coaching is
necessary. "Some say the best way
to find self-dignity is to say 'I'm
marvelous,' " Wine advised.
What, then, would he prescribe
for persons who want to find con-
tentment in their singlehood? "The
willingness td? face the truth ("my
life is my responsibility"); "my be-
havior is my reality;" "I don't spend
my -life looking for myself, but de-
signing myself;" "self-respect needs
more than oneself;" "be willing to
admit I always need change;" "one
never resents when one questions
you;" "I know that true pleasure
involves a great deal of pain;"
"once I grow up nobody cares about
me as much as me;" "I deserve to
be happy;" "lower your expecta-
tions;" "I can use my feelings
toward positive goals;" and "there
is no Utopia."
For himself, Wine devised his
own "12 Commandments for Living
Alone:" one is not a failure if one
lives alone; be a pioneer; one
should not apologize for his/her
lifestyle; one should understand
his/her own needs; don't depend on
others; "shrink your judges;" "avoid
too much introspection;" work hard;
be a good friend; "take advantage:
of your advantages;" do not plan.
attachments and don't be cynical.
Above all, Wine asserted, have
hope. "Hope is the sign of human
dignity."
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