Wedding Trends:
Old And New

From the caterer to the music,
from the photographer to
the rabbi, local experts
provide a guide to the
wedding details.

LINDA BENSON

Special to The Jewish News

S

omething old,
something new — it
doesn't just describe
the attire of the bride
of the 1980s on her wedding
day, but the attitude toward
all of the wedding
preparations that lead up to
it as well.
The time honored
traditions that help bring
two people together to
embark on a shared new life
have come up against the
currents of change and the
trends and demands of
contemporary lifestyles.

There is nothing so new
about that, but the brides of
the '80s and their families
are making a greater effort
to meld tradition and
change into a harmonious
whole rather than; making
many radical changes.
The newest, and best
news is that, despite
increasing divorce rates
and liberated living
arrangements, weddings
are bigger and better than
ever. There were an
estimated 2 1/2 million
weddings performed in the
United States in 1986, at an
average cost of $6,000 each.
"It's like flying an
airplane," says Rabbi Irwin

Groner, of Cong. Shaarey
Zedek. "When you plan the
journey and get on board,
you don't think it is going to
crash."
"It's a big day, and a very
expensive one," says Judy
Cantor, author and
publisher, of the
Coordinator, a
workbook-file system
designed to help organize
wedding preparations.
"Because of the expense,
you owe it to yourself to do it
right, but it is complicated.
After all, there are the
needs and expectations of
many people to consider
and lifestyles have changed
so much."

Another bit of good news
is the old news — that
traditional ritual is very
much back in style in
wedding preparations, and
many couples are finding
beauty in some of the most
traditional practices. Rabbi
Richard Hertz, Rabbi
emeritus of Temple Beth El,
notes that nine out of ten
weddings that he has
officiated at over the past
five years have been held in
the synagogue, and there
has been a distinct decline
of the requests from couples
who want to be married in a
park, or write their own
-
vows.
Rabbi Groner notes that
one traditional wedding
custom, badeken, has made
a return in many wedding
rituals. This is a little
ceremony before the
ceremony where the veil is
placed over the bride's face
by the groom. Many young
couples are choosing to
include this ritual" he says.
Both rabbis stress that
they like to meet with each
couple at least once, twice if
possible before the
ceremony to discuss their
expectations from the
marriage, their plans for
children, and their shared
goals. Both observe that
couples contemplating
marriage now tend to be
older and have met many of
their goals for education
and careers.
The pill, career
interests, more mature
attitudes and older ages are
the most obvious trends I
see today, says Rabbi Hertz,
who recalls performing his
first wedding ceremony 45
years ago, in 1942 as a
young rabbinical graduate.
"I rarely marry an '18 or
19-year-old couple now, but
that was not the case a
generation or two ago."
As a Reform rabbi, Dr.
Hertz notes an important
change in his own
traditional values in the
past decade — toward
interfaith marriages. "I will
perform an interfaith
marriage if the children
will be raised in the Jewish
faith and the non-Jewish
partner will take
instruction," he says. "I
used to be more strict about
this attitude, but I think we
may have driven some
young couples away from
Jewish practices when they

might have been looking to
us for hope."
. Rabbi Groner stresses the
element of friendship to
young couples. "I -
emphasize that they value
one another as their best
friends," he says.
Because couples tend to
be older and more mature in
their attitudes and
experiences, the bride is
often as involved in making
the wedding preparations
as her mother. More often
than not, in the
career-oriented 1980s both
brides, and mothers of the
brides are employed outside
the home. This means that
time is of the essence. "Time
management seems to be on
everybody's minds," Judy
Cantor notes, and some
couples are streamlining
the selection process as
much as pbssible.
Synagogues are the
setting for at least 50
percent of the Jewish
weddings in the greater
Detroit area. Country clubs
are an option, but many
such as Franklin Hills,
report that they can only do
luncheon weddings on
Sundays, and Saturday
nights are only available
once a month for wedding
receptions. Because of the
demands on these clubs for
other social uses, the area's
country clubs find they
have to be strict about
limiting use to "members
only" for weddings. --

The area's hotels are a
frequently used
"alternative," however, for
a couple of important
reasons.
"At a hotel such as ours,
we can do the works' for a

couple, everything from the
menu to decorations and
the band if the couple needs
us to," says Sandy Tianko,
catering manager at the
Michigan Inn. Ms. Tianko
likes to have at least six
months notice for booking
the Michigan Inn's