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CONFLICT
This writer did a non-
scientific survey (she asked
everyone she knew who had
married off a child), and
she found that conf14 -A is
inevitable. In the best of
circumstances, the tension
is over the color chosen for
the bridal party. In the
worst of circumstances, the
changing family structure
is a threat instead of an
opportunity.
If real trouble occurs in
your family when you're
marrying off a child, you
can bet the trouble was
there all along. So says
Helene Dichter, a
psychologist and family
therapist at the Depart-
ment of Psychiatry in the
Thomas Jefferson Medical
School and Hospital,
Philadelphia, Pa. _
Dichter disagrees with
Rabbi Schnur's statement
that "submerged tensions
and dissatisfactions" sur-
face "even in the most
healthy and supportive of
families." Dichter believes
that the healthy and sup-
portive families stay
healthy and supportive.
But there are healthy and
unhealthy approaches to in-
evitable pre-wedding con-
flicts. It helps, she says, if
you understand why you're
feeling hurt and angry.
The parents are in com-
petition for the new cou-
ple's affection.
"When a child marries,
he or she is leaving to
establish his or her own
family," Dichter says. "The
first task for the new fami-
ly is to loosen ties with
you, the parents. Parents
know that and resist.
Healthy parents know that
parental ties get changed,
but not lost, loosened, or
severed."
The bridegroom's family
often worries that they will
lose their son to the bride's
family. "A daughter's a
daughter all her life, a son's
a son till he takes a wife"
rings in many an unhappy
ear when an engaged or
newly married son stops
confiding in his parents or
doesn't call or visit often
enough. It's especially hard
to take if you hear from
your machetanesta that the
children were at her home
last night.
It won't make you happy
to learn that Dichter can
cite scientific research that
backs up the folk knowl-
edge that daughters stay
closer to their families. A
recent study of 200 older
adults showed that sisters
stay closer in adulthood
than brothers do and that
they play an important role
in nurturing family
relationships.
Mothers of sons instinc-
tively know this. If they
have healthy relationships
with their sons, they are
secure enough to com-
promise, take turns (like
sharing the second seder
with the children) and
recognize that things can't
always go their way.
Daughters-in-law are more
eager to take the nurturing
role in the new family if
they've been welcomed with
love. Also, the changing
role of men and women
means that the nurturing
role may be shared by both
husband and wife.
Dichter says trouble
comes when the son is so
close to his parents that he
can't say "no" to them and
is caught between pleasing
his bride and his parents.
If son and parents don't
have a good relationship,
the parents may look to the
daughter-in-law to bring the
family closer together, put-
ting an unfair burden on
her. Sometimes, the mother
sees the daughter-in-law as
a threat. A younger, more
attractive woman is taking
first place in her son's af-
fections. One mother got
failing marks from her
daughter-in-law for blowing
kisses across the room at
her son whenever the
families were together. She
acted like her son's lover,
and, indeed, showered a lot
more affection on her son
than her husband.
And let's not forget the
"Daddy's little girl" prob-
lem. Fathers aren't always
happy to see their daugh-
ters clinging to young,
virile men, especially if
they're not getting as much
out of their own marriages
as they'd like.
Sometimes there are win-
ners and losers in the
./ ,/ E
• WEDDINGS
• BAR MITZVAHS
The Videotaping Specialists
child-centered one. The
parents were strangers;
their friend and confidant
was the daughter who was
leaving, not each other.
Okay, none of these ex-
amples exactly fits your
situation. The new
machetunim are nice; they
like your child and you like
theirs. You and your spouse
are not going to split (or
you did years ago, and all
the stepparents are happy).
It's going to be a beautiful
wedding, and everyone will
live happily ever after.
Ed,tEd ( PIC& 0
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