Good Relations

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B-20

Friday, February 13, 1987 THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

checkbook contest, too. If
one set of parents is much
wealthier than the other
(small differences don't
matter), are there strings
attached to the big gifts?
Do the parents with the
family business (from which
the son is expected to make
a career) demand first place
in the closeness sweep-
stakes? Does one couple
have more status, educa-
tion? Does the other couple
react by playing dead, let-
ting the Just-below-the-
surface feelings of insecuri-
ty take over?
Even families which seem
similar have different
values.
The parents who swal-
lowed hard and smiled
when the lobster and
shrimp were served at the
wedding are examples of
similar backgrounds/dif-
ferent values. Though both
families were Jewish, one
was more traditional than
the other.
"Maybe I should have
said something when the-
wedding was being
planned," the mother says
now. "But we were all try-
ing so hard to be nice to
each other. And no one
asked us; we found out
after arrangements were
made.
"After the marriage,
though, our kids had prob-
lems because of the dif-
ferent values with which
they had been raised. My
daughter-in-law is a little
rich girl. She sends my
son's shirts to the laundry,
has a maid, and thinks its
OK for her mother to buy
her clothes. It bothers my
husband and me. We in-
sisted that our children
earn their own spending
money when they were
teenagers. We encouraged
them to be independent."

Not everyone has the
same values, Dichter
responds, and it's impor-
tant to remember that your
children don't have to do
things the way you did.
One expert, a social
worker, thinks that most
problems between the
machetunim have to do
with differences.
"What is about to hap-
pen is a blending of
families. People tend to
worry. Is it going to go
their way? Instead of say-
ing, 'This is how you do it,
and we do it differently,' it
gets to be, 'You're wrong;
we're right — and you've in-
sulted me," she says.
Sometimes, however,
parents have to speak up,
even if they're afraid of
making trouble. "If you're
feeling strong feelings,
don't bottle them up," this

expert advises, "because
eventually they'll surface
and cause problems. It's
important to do it in a non-
accusing manner."
A child-centered family
feels abandoned when a
child marries.
The parents who decided
to separate after their
child's wedding were in
more trouble than most.
But it's not unusual for
couples to seek marriage
counseling — for the first
time — when a child
marries.
"My husband and I had
drifted apart through the
years," one mother
remembers. "My daughter
was my best friend. My
husband was someone who
came home to eat and
sleep. We didn't com-
municate; we weren't in-
volved enough in each
other's lives. I got panicky
when I realized I would be
alone with him when our
child married. I began mak-
ing demands on him for the
first time. He didn't know
what hit him!"
Dichter compares this to
the family which centers on
a delinquent adolescent.
"The child's behavior im-
proves. The parents had
focused on their child's
problems instead of their
own, which were there all
along."
You're now the older
generation.
We live in a society
which worships youth, and
some parents can't accept
their child's marriage
because they equate it with
their own aging.
One way to stay young is
to have young, dependent
children. When your first
child marries, you see old
age looming ahead. When
your last child marries, the
empty nest is real. Some
people try to hold on to
youth by keeping their
children dependent emo-
tionally or financially. One
set of parents calls it "help-
ing the kids." The other
calls it unfair meddling and
refusal to let the children
grow up.
It's understandable if
your stomach is all butter-
flies when you're getting
ready to meet the new
machetunim; a lot is at
stake. The months ahead
are the first stage of a
lifelong relationship. Some-
day you will be grand-
parents to the same
children, and if you're
lucky, you'll watch your
children — today's bride
and groom — go through
the same steps you're tak-
ing now. May you all mesh
into one happy family —
easily! ■

