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Friday, July 18, 1986

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THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS

cream parlor, a bit of in-
dividual attention with no
one interrupting. I only
regret I didn't do these bet-
ter (without slipping in a per-
sonal errand or two) and more
often.
Children have incredible
adjusting mechanisms. They
can grow up perfectly well
and closely connected with-
out their parents being ac-
cessible and available. But
some intimacy is surely lost.
I wasn't about to delude
myself into the quality-time
argument if I didn't absolute-
ly have to. I knew that if I
didn't meet the school bus, or
wasn't around after an exam
or a trying day, I simply
wouldn't hear about it four
hours later. While we can all
live without these exchanges
—and I missed many of them
—too many misses would af-
fect the quality of family life.
Conversely, being around
when school closed early and
a child came home for lunch,
or sitting at the edge of a sick
child's bed and feeding it the
proverbial chicken soup—
these were very special ex-
periences. Quiet, slow-mo-
tion, but truly the stuff of in-
timate relationships.
Moreover, there was one
thing I came to understand
about communicating with
children, particularly adoles-
cents: sometimes, the inner-
most sentiments would come
out after a solid stretch of in-
nocuous silence (warm-up
time?); sometimes, profound
insights would be quietly of-

fered in a situation of no eye
contact—say, when I'd be
peeling potatoes or chauffeur-
ing or riffling through a
magazine while awaiting a
child's turn in the ortho-
pedist's office. On the larger
scale of life's activities, these

Blu Greenberg

would be rated "1," a total
waste of time. But on the
scale of opening up potential
lines of communication, of
finding out about friends, and
feelings, and wonderful or
fearsome imaginings, I'd give
these humdrum settings a

As it is, some of our
children are extremely pri-
vate. As it is, I didn't sep-

arate work and home suffi-
ciently and was often preoc-
cupied though physically
around. As it is, I did not
listen nearly as much as I
should have. But it might
have been worse. Even now,
grown as they are, they
sometimes complain that I
don't give them enough time.
Never mind! Though guilt is
my second nature, they can't
make me feel quilty about
that one.
Would I do it differently to-
day? Indeed I would!
a) With 20 years of fem-
inism behind me, a stronger
sense of my own potential,
and the powerful models of
young women who have suc-
cessfully combined career
and family, I would be much
more serious about my career
aspirations. Even women
who take a break from their
professions to raise families
do so with a sense of purpose
and with long-range goals in
mind.
b) I would make more
demands on my husband's
time—not so much in terms
of child care, because he did
a great deal of that—but in
terms of errands, minutiae,
and the details of running a
full household. It probably
would have been a favor, for
these open-ended tasks—
"women's work"—are hu-
manizing; they balance and
control the demands of the
workplace and make life
healthier in the long run.
Mastering the logistics and
errands of family life builds

