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32 Friday, April 18, 1986
THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
And Now,
At Last, The
Yuppie Hagaddah
A tongue-in-cheek excerpt from the
ultimate 1980s volume, including
the ZPG theme song, One Kid,
One Kid."
*
FOUR QUESTIONS. (The youngest
chants the following:)
(1)Why is this night different from
all other nights [on the first night add:
except for tomorrow]?
(2)On all other nights we eat bread,
croissants, even muffins, why on this
night do we eat matzah?
(3)On all'other nights we sit straight
or get noodged about our posture, ex-
cept when eating sushi at a Japanese
restaurant, why on this night do we eat
reclining?
(4)On all other nights we do not dip
once, unless eating fondue, why on this
night do we dip twice?
Ben Zoma on the other hand ex-
pounded: "'The Days of Our Lives'
means The Days of Our Lives only. 'All
The Days of Our Lives' includes Search
for lbmorrow." And they argued thus-
ly until their pupils came and told
them: "Our Masters! The time has
come for your morning aerobics."
*
FOUR SONS. The Torah speaks of
four sons: The wise (Groucho), the
wicked (Chico), the one playing
without, a full deck (Zeppo), and air;
one unable to ask (Harpo). The wise
son — what does he say? "I shot an
elephant in my pajamas. How did it
get in my pajamas?" lb him reply:
*
MA-ASEH. It is related of Rabbi
Ben Zoma, Rabbi Ben Epstein, Rabbi
Ihrphon, and Rabbi Jose The Galilean,
that once they spent Passover Eve at
the Bene Berak Holiday Inn. And they
retold the story of the Exodus from
Egypt until Rabbi Ilirphon said, "I am
now 70 years old, and never before met
a Rabbi with a Mexican name like
Jose."
Whereupon Rabbi Jose said: "With
a name like Thrphon, I wouldn't joke
And he continued: "The Bible says we
must remember the Exodus all the
days of our lives. The 'Days of Our
Lives' mean just days. 'All the Days of
Our Lives' includes evenings and
weekends:'
1.1",3, vv o.
If he cries out, "That's no answer:' re-
spond, "Don't get wise with me."
The simple son — what do you say
to him? "Praise the Lord with lute and
timbrel, with flute and jazz piano, with
bulbhorn and harp; with schuckling
and kibbitzing. Praised be He, the
Lord of Hosts and of Guests:'
The wicked son — what does he say?
"What do you mean by this service?"
By saying "you" rather than "we" he
shuts himself off from the people of
Israel. Strike him on the head with a
Shmurah Matzoh and ignore the ques-
tion. If he persists, threaten him with
a Writ of Habeas Karpas.
*
BY HOWARD ZAHAROFF
Special to The Jewish News
The traditional, or "Horowitz-
Margareten," Haggadah is hopelessly
outdated. For example, how can you
*ray fervently "Next Year in
Jerusalem" when you already went
there in high school and when where
you really hope to be next spring is
Club Med in the Bahamas?
'lb add life to tired Haggadic bones,
herewith the following selections from
a brand new Haggadah, to be released
soon by the J.D.L. Press under its
Publish or Perish! imprint.
Rabbi Simeon ben Gamaliel said: "The
world is based on three principles: truth,
justice, and peace." Simeon The Just
said: "The world is based on three prin-
ciples: 7brah, Worship, and Kindliness.
Gamaliel, what did he know?" Joshua
ben Perahyah said: "Get yourself a
teacher,: acquire a companion, perhaps
a Lhasa apsq invest not in computers;
buy a condo."
Designer matzah is
a natural derivative,
after the unleavened
Cadillac and the green Herbies.
THREE SYMBOLS. Rabban
Gamaliel used to say that if you fail to
explain three symbols, it's so if you
stepped on a crack and broke your
mother's back. These are:
THE PAYSQP: a payroll-based
employee stock ownership plan created
by the Pharoahs. Because the
Israelites found notice of their eligibili-
ty to participate posted on their door-
posts, many remained behind in Egypt
to become shareholders in Ramses'
contraceptive business.
THE MAZDA: Unleavened Cadillac,
which the Israelites drove from Egypt
because their mechanics failed to rise.
It inspired the psalmist: "Salvation,
yea, and
foreign cars come from the Lord; but
whence parts and labor?"
THE MORTAR: A mixture of brick
chips and duco cement placed on the
seder plate to remind us that our
ancestors in Egypt were forced to eat
a mortar-like mixture of apples, nuts,
and wine.
CHAD GADYAW. Then came the
Angel of Death, who killed the
slaughterer who slaughtered the ox
who worried the cat that killed the rat
that ate the malt that lay in the house
that Jack built.
*
CONCLUSION (ACCEPTANCE): 0
Lord, we have observed the Passover
Seder in accordance with all statutes
and ordinances, albeit interpreted
creatively to minimize inconvenience.
We hope you are satisfied and will
forgive us the croutons. Unite us, your
people Israel, where we can be in the
majority for a change; as it is written:
z `I want to be a part of it, New York,
New York." ❑