THE DETROIT JEWISH NEWS
42 Friday, April 1, 1977
Mrs. Schiff's 'Bereaved Parent' Worthy C ounsel for Survivors
BY HEIDI PRESS
Harriet Sarnoff Schiff pre-
sents a rational and calm
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approach to a situation
filled with irrationality and
often, hysteria— the death
of a child.
Having suffered the tor-
ment of watching her son's
decline from illness, Mrs.
Schiff offers solace to the
bereaved by giving them a
survival guide in which she
counsels, "concern yourself
with functioning as best you
can."
In her book, "The Berea-
ved Parent," (Crown Pub-
lishers, Inc.) Mrs. Schiff re-
lates how she, her husband,
and surviving son and
daughter lived their 'lives
despite their grief.
, Certainly parents and sib-
lings of dead children will
not be able to read the book
without becoming uneasy.
It brings back memories
which such a reader would
much rather leave repr-
essed. Yet, it is a logical re-
capitulation of a trying
time and is geared to help
the bereaved to make some
sense out of a period when
all seems senseless.
Mrs. Schiff's book is help-
ful in that- it provides rec-
ommendations on how to ap-
proach one's bereavement
in all its dimensions, i.e. at
the funeral, while grieving,
when feeling guilt and pow-
erlessness, and as it relates
to the marriage, siblings,
communicating, religion,
pleasure, functioning and
the rest of one's life.
As an example, Mrs.
Schiff_ suggests the follow-
ing when the bereavement
has a negative effect on the
parents' marriage:
"As a bereaved parent-
mate, there are certain posi-
tive steps that you can
take— indeed. you must
take. You have already lost
enough without forfeiting
your marriage. Use reason,
not vindictiveness. Remem-
ber, you loved your spouse
enough to marry. Be gentle
and do not blame your
mate for what you were
powerless to prevent— your
child's death.
"For many couples, join-
ing in some mutually agree-
able social-betterment proj-
ect has filled at least in
part that void created by
the death of a child. The
project need not necessarily
be related to the problem
that caused your child's
death. There are many com-
munity service organiza-
tions that need volunteers.
Try to find one together. A
joint interest in something
can be very gratifying and
can open new vistas in your
relationship.
"Do not presume you
have all the answers to sol-
ving marital problems
when you have a dead
child: Normally it is hard
enough to be objective.
Nearly all your vision can
leave after undergoing such
a tragedy. You cannot eval-
uate a problem clearly
when you cannot see.
Be kind enough to your-
selves to recognize you
badly need a third party to
talk with even if you do not
recognize stress in your
relationship. It is there."
On dealing with the sur-
viving siblings, Mrs. Schiff
strongly urges that they be-
come the "uppermost con-
cern" of the parents, other-
wise negative ramifications
-
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SOL YETZ-MORRIS
COHEN POST and AUX-
ILIARY will conduct a-Pass-
over Seder for the Jewish
patients at the Battle Creek
Veterans Hospital
Thursday. Rabbi Kenneth
E. Berger of Kalamazoo
will conduct the Seder. Any-
one wishing to assist or
bake Passover cakes, may
cal) the chairman, Raye
Weimer, 967-3234. The post
and auxiliary will meet
April 19 when officers will
be nominated and arrange-
ments for the visit to the
Northland Geriatrics Center
will be made.
1111 VIII NI NM Et IN NIB NU 1111
111
MRS. SCHIFF
from the experience could
occur later in life.
With the reportorial skill
gained in a career begun fol-
lowing her son's death,
Mrs. Schiff presents the be-
reaved with a sympathetic
guide to realistically ap-
proaching the death of a
child. It is offered a simple
language, as a conversation
among friends. There are
no lectures, just friendly ad-
vice.
To say it is not sad is a
misrepresentation. It is
sad, but it's positive, reason-
able approach will provide
some relief to those for
whom it is intended. Har-
riet Sarnoff Schiff's "The
Bereaved Parent" should
be marked as a leading
therapeutic guide for per-
sons who are suddenly
forced into this unfortunate
situation.
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